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Knocked around for clarity

I have been hit in the head several times. I only discovered this when I received my first concussion when I played for Sacred City Derby girls over a year ago. I recall the feeling of being disoriented and lost and like my brain was sloshing around in my head. At first I couldn’t really recall how I was recalling anything. Ya know, I didnt know where the memory was coming from. Then it hit me. Or rather I remember him hitting me. I remembered like a flood of ocean water over my memories gushing out my eyes, that my step father slammed me against things all the time. He loved to wack my head about.

Now that I have received one more concussion I find myself rather pissed because I now understand that what he did to me stole so much from who I was.

then i have a fucking epiphanie and realize non of this matters because being pissed at him for screwing up my brain doesn’t mean shit. I was supposed to experience that, so i could learn to be strong to work through it. I may never have found the awesome powers I have now if i had not had that challenge.

well shit, i guess i cant even bitch about it then.

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Mind PoP

Hyper focusing on a single minded goal is good during the work of that goal. But lets not let every breath of our day be about that goal. The variety of the BIG picture is what attracts the numbers and in the numbers we find such rich diversity, love and passion. With the passion comes the drive to succeed.

Yes I understand we all have a different goal, but the goals are all attainable without having to hurt others or ruin the flow of harmony.

mind just pops sometimes and I dont know where to put it.

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A New World

I want to re-enter the world of writing in here again. I have so much in me and need to share it. I am currently quite distracted and feeling overwhelmed with physical illness. I must return though. I can’t complete my personal evolution in small facebook posts. It’s simply not enough.

In the last year my life has grown so much. I left my husband. I moved out of my safe house and moved away from my children. I have fallen in love with so many different aspects of my new life. I have been thrust into scary places, forced to view myself and all that I am. Not just one aspect of myself. Not just a mother, not just a wife, not just a woman. I see the spirit, the soul, the goddess the all knowing and the child. I am in touch with all. I learned of powers I have and want to write about them. So I will.

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Found Beauty

I have discovered it once again. The beauty in your eyes, the soul so deep and open and wanting my love so completely. I have it here. It’s for you, it’s real. I have no bad intentions I have no dark side to hide in. I am what you see. I have grown out of a waste land of trash and sharp painful objects, I sprouted up through the junk to seek the sunshine that shimmered on the metal of my pile. I pushed my way through and let the sun love me, nourish me and grow me big and strong just for you. Just to be here and love you for who you are, for what you feel, for all your needs and desires. You are purely lovely and all I can see is your beauty. The beauty of creation. The beauty of life. The forces of love and flight and freedom shine on my face when you look at me…..truly look at me. The warmth and love in your eyes embrace is enough to sustain me for a life time. Thankfully I am blessed with so much more than just your eyes upon me, but your arms, your mouth, your hands, your skin, your heart, and your soul.

Thank you my love, thank you for all your perfect beauty.

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Derby Greatness

I have been one busy mother fucker. Ok so that might not be such a nice thing to say to most, but Im just to busy to give a rats ass. I play derby now. Let me tell you that when you play derby you either do it half assed and never get anywhere (except you get to party like a derby girl) or you work hard and you dedicate yourself to the sport (and you party like a derby girl) and NO one seems to appreciate or understand your dedication. Well no one that is not a derby related person. My derby sisters understand, my refs understand, hell even the super fans understand im sure in their super fan kind of way. People in your life that don’t love derby the way you do, wont understand. They think you are just selfish and obsessing on your hobby.

Im not the kind of person who obsesses on silly things. I don’t or have I ever idolized any human being. I don’t buy the newest coolest technological toy as soon as it comes out. I don’t follow anything trendy.   I pay close attention to the things in life that make an over all difference. I focus on the richness of living.   I spent years focusing on being pregnant, birthing, and breastfeeding. I spent years on natural remedies and cures.  I have come to trust my judgement and opinion on the experiences I have. I no longer doubt myself, there is no need to.  I am right. Loving is greatness. Playing is greatness. Doing good is greatness. Damn it Derby is greatness.

To play it with your body mind and soul is to understand it’s greatness.   

I hav come. I have observed and I have found derby to be worthy of greatness.

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Boy No More

Boy – hair dyed blond?

Boy – dirty and smudged?

Boy – in your mussed play clothes?

Boy – bored and looking for a tree to climb?

Your eyes avoid my smile. We pass, you are no more.

Around I travel to find

Boy – Your hair is bleached from too much sun. No roof protects you.

Boy – Those are bruises amongst the dirt.

Boy – Your clothes have not been washed in weeks.

Boy – You meet the men in the alley.

As I pass you avoid my concerned look. You shrug and turn away, lowering yourself to your knees.

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Femalien

The  foreign creature.

Stolen.

Protective arms did not reach her.

Screams and thrashing only bring more pain….quiet that now.

Tuck it away, secrets of little girls.

Don’t frolic or giggle with the wind in your hair.

Burned and dead as the gray hairs sprout.

The Femalien emerges from old wounds.

Pools of green. Mirrors reflecting. Acceptance and safety EXIST!

No distance. No harm. No fear in this turn ’round.

In her face declaration of innocence and pure ALIVENESS.

This one shall not be squashed.

Her power prevails in the heart of the foreign one. Her screams will be of JOY and thrashing against the machines of man and oppression and she will overcome for she is Femalien, she is NOT stolen.

SHE IS THE THIEF NOW.

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It All Counts

EditEdit Likes and Interests

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My life ran away with the Derby Girls

It really did. I was so into the whole mommy thing and focusing on writing and just getting into shape and taking care of ME. Then I discovered Derby. I have been doing it now for just a few months and Im hooked. I don’t ever want to quit. I will be the girl who’s body gives out long before her heart does.  I don’t care how many times you knock me down or I knock myself down. I want this more than anything (outside of family) I have ever wanted. It challenges me. It brings me to the hard core center of who I am, tearing down all labels and fantasy ideas of who I  should be and just makes me prove my worth on skates.  It’s not just skates, its a mind game too. People will try to fuck with me mentally, and I have to learn to set that aside and I have to learn to “fuck” with other people. Wow! What a concept for someone like me, the healer, the peace maker, the lover of all.  The thing is though, I’m learning I can “fuck” with someones mind and still be all those beautiful things that I cherish in myself. I am only making that person stronger. Teaching them to see where they are weak and work on that. I can totally dig this kind of  “Life Coaching.”

I am in love with the brutality of it, with the strategy with the  talent.  I have never been a part of something that contained all those things and included anyone more than myself doing it.  I mean sure I can carry a baby and birth a baby and care for that child like some kind of Goddess, its like smooth butta’ for me but to put myself into something that every single day challenges my being and I leave every single practice feeling like I have grown in my soul…….well FUCK, there just ain’t nothing else like it. I feel so extremely blessed to have a supportive husband and family who encourage this.

I am just happy beyond belief and wanted to share that in a blog today cause I have not blogged since I started Derby. I test in February to see if I’m good enough to actually compete in front of people.  So if you love me send me some good kick ass vibes and if you don’t then fuck off cause I don’t need people in my life that don’t love me.

I love you all,

Hope

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I’m A Derby Girl

I have picked up a new addiction.  I have decided to become a roller derby girl.  I attended a bout 6 months or so ago and it was just beautiful to watch. Women in all different sizes moving there beautiful bodies in fast and rugged ways. I was mesmerized.  It struck me as one of those taboo things that I am always so attracted too.

Its not “proper”                     IM IN!

It’s not “lady like”                 IM IN!

It’s not safe                            IM IN!

It’s rude and crude              IM IN!

It can be painful                      IM IN!

I have never been on a team before nor have I ever had a slight desire to be on one. Until seeing this spectacular sport. It just fits me. Its raw and rough and real.

This is the reason I have not been taking time to blog or even get on the computer much. Being a part of this team is a huge commitment. I’m putting off several things I wanted to do for this. I consider it a life adventure, an experience to give me more passion and more stories to write about. 

I have sat and watched several practices and in 3 days I will be able to start actually practicing with the rest of the “fresh meat”. We have a kick ass coach who seems to have the desire,passion and drive I hope to acquire for the sport.

If anyone is  curious check out your area for Derby teams. Here is our website for an example http://www.sacredcityderbygirls.com/