Posted: January 11, 2010 at 11:02 pm
It really did. I was so into the whole mommy thing and focusing on writing and just getting into shape and taking care of ME. Then I discovered Derby. I have been doing it now for just a few months and Im hooked. I don’t ever want to quit. I will be the girl who’s body gives out long before her heart does. I don’t care how many times you knock me down or I knock myself down. I want this more than anything (outside of family) I have ever wanted. It challenges me. It brings me to the hard core center of who I am, tearing down all labels and fantasy ideas of who I should be and just makes me prove my worth on skates. It’s not just skates, its a mind game too. People will try to fuck with me mentally, and I have to learn to set that aside and I have to learn to “fuck” with other people. Wow! What a concept for someone like me, the healer, the peace maker, the lover of all. The thing is though, I’m learning I can “fuck” with someones mind and still be all those beautiful things that I cherish in myself. I am only making that person stronger. Teaching them to see where they are weak and work on that. I can totally dig this kind of “Life Coaching.”
I am in love with the brutality of it, with the strategy with the talent. I have never been a part of something that contained all those things and included anyone more than myself doing it. I mean sure I can carry a baby and birth a baby and care for that child like some kind of Goddess, its like smooth butta’ for me but to put myself into something that every single day challenges my being and I leave every single practice feeling like I have grown in my soul…….well FUCK, there just ain’t nothing else like it. I feel so extremely blessed to have a supportive husband and family who encourage this.
I am just happy beyond belief and wanted to share that in a blog today cause I have not blogged since I started Derby. I test in February to see if I’m good enough to actually compete in front of people. So if you love me send me some good kick ass vibes and if you don’t then fuck off cause I don’t need people in my life that don’t love me.
I love you all,
Hope
Posted: November 9, 2009 at 12:10 pm
I have picked up a new addiction. I have decided to become a roller derby girl. I attended a bout 6 months or so ago and it was just beautiful to watch. Women in all different sizes moving there beautiful bodies in fast and rugged ways. I was mesmerized. It struck me as one of those taboo things that I am always so attracted too.
Its not “proper” IM IN!
It’s not “lady like” IM IN!
It’s not safe IM IN!
It’s rude and crude IM IN!
It can be painful IM IN!
I have never been on a team before nor have I ever had a slight desire to be on one. Until seeing this spectacular sport. It just fits me. Its raw and rough and real.
This is the reason I have not been taking time to blog or even get on the computer much. Being a part of this team is a huge commitment. I’m putting off several things I wanted to do for this. I consider it a life adventure, an experience to give me more passion and more stories to write about.
I have sat and watched several practices and in 3 days I will be able to start actually practicing with the rest of the “fresh meat”. We have a kick ass coach who seems to have the desire,passion and drive I hope to acquire for the sport.
If anyone is curious check out your area for Derby teams. Here is our website for an example http://www.sacredcityderbygirls.com/
Posted: October 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Dear Hopenminded,
My fear of failure is a crippling force in my life. How do I overcome it and gain the confidence that is needed to accomplish my goals and get the things in life that I am after?
thank you,
Fearing Failure
Dear Fearing Failure,
1. I got rid of assholes in my life that expected me to never make mistakes and when i did never forgave me.
2. I set myself up to WIN. Set smaller goals that you know you can accomplish and go ahead and feel good about doing it.
3. I connected with people that lifted me up and liked me no matter what (sure at one point that was only my husband)
4. Learn to love yourself. My son has a major problem with being a perfectionist and he completely shuts down when he doesnt do his artwork prefectly. If I let him go on his own he starts self hating. I told him, “instead of ripping that drawing up, step back from it, take a break and do something fun for yourself.” We sat and watch a dorky stoner movie and laughed our asses off and he was able to get back to his work with a new spirit.
5. If I do fail. I generally get back on that horse and try again. If its important to me and doesn’t cause me major stress.
I have failed going to college 3 times. I will not fail again. When I go the next time it will be because I know I’m ready and my life is ready for it….. and even then if something out of my control tears it all apart, I will get back on and push forward.
You dictate what is perfect. Why set yourself up to fail? Just figure out who you are and how you work and love yourself in what you find out about yourself.
seriously just adjust how you see PERFECT.
Hopenminded
Posted: October 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm
First encounter:
A hand up not a hand out.
The man looked me in the eyes and gave of himself the inner most fears and insecurities he normally holds tight. He was unafraid and shared fully letting out all. Venting things he may not even want to share with his closest friends. He barely knows me. Yet he gives all this to me and cheerfully awaits my loving response. How does he know I will be receptive to his verbal dump of his physical and emotional issues? He knows because I purposely open myself up for it. I am a walking receptacle for people who are in need of honest and upfront solutions to their problems. I shared my knowledge freely. I showed him where his own power could be found. He walked away feeling confident and prepared to move forward with an issue and I walked away feeling strong and loving.
Second encounter:
Keeping it cool and distant may be the only safe path for me.
In another moment of my day a person who lives hundreds of miles away from me can throw my entire sense of security and well being off balance. Just the sound of his voice hurts my heart and sets me on protective mode. Protect myself, my kids, my husband, my emotional well being. I wish I could reach a point of understanding with this particular individual but that ball would be in his court as I have extended my hand of peace many times. As it stands now I still consider him a predator of sorts. He uses intimidation and threats to push his agenda. His childish selfishness is undiscovered by him due to his imagined ability to understand psychology and how to manipulate the mind. I am sure he considers himself a real grown up. Yet his every word contradicts and shows where he is lacking. I suppose I could spend the rest of my life trying to comprehend this style of individual. I have many questions rolling through my mind when his presence is anywhere near me…..even if only verbally. I need to learn to just let all that go. Not everyone will heal in life. Not everyone is going to get over the bad things they experienced. Some choose to hold on to anger and hatred and unknowingly or just not caring they spread the noxious stench of that feeling to everyone they encounter. I have no choice but to continue to know this person, I suppose I should just learn to separate my caring side and stop trying to bring a reality to his world and just stay cool and calm and let him play his game alone. I will just be a silent bystander.
Posted: October 7, 2009 at 11:44 pm | Tags: accomplished, dominance, spanked, submissive
No I’m not talking about those shameful things I used to do for money back in the day……
I’m talking about life. My life and all the exceptional kick assedness that it brings. I have not had time for the relaxing things that I enjoy. Like helping people with their problems and listening and encouraging or sewing, dancing, singing, hiking, riding my bike or even a lazy afternoon in front of the television.
I have found myself lately being overwhelmed by all the possibilities in my life. I suppose that happens when you stop living like a victim, an abused child, and grow the fuck up and realize you have choices and wisdom and passion and endless possibilities. With all the possibilities swirling around, like going back to school, creating my tinctures, helping friends get well, parties for days in OCTOBER, creating my own business, honing my writing skills, and a million other things my mind chooses to create throughout the day. I realized I needed to focus back on the basics. My basics consist of the house, the kids, the animals and the man, oh and my mental well being always comes first. Sounds selfish I know, but when you have been as “crazy” as I have been for as long as I have been you understand that my sanity is key to everyone else’s safety and positive life experiences. I have a civic responsibility to not go bat shit nuts ever again, so I must work out at least 3 days a week and get plenty of sleep. After that, my house is not exactly the picture of clean and I certainly wouldn’t want to invite someone into it like this.
So of course me being me. I did just that. I invited someone over. This is the only way I will get myself to do what needs to be done around her. I will clean the underside of my toilet if I think a new friend is coming over. Of course my son will piss all over it the second before she knocks on the door but still, I did the work damn it.
Today I challenged myself to a race. Racing myself in the day to see who wins the lazy ass bitch who says fuck it and jumps on the Internet or the hard core me who burns 500 calories at the gym before 10 a.m. and gets her kids played with, read to, and tuckered out in time to do the damned dishes and have dinner ready for my spectacular husband to come home and enjoy it with me.
Ya know what, hard core me totally finished first today.
I can be super woman and get it all done in a day. I do realize that all the stars were aligned and my moon must have been its positive orbital trajectory and some other such bullshit in order for me to actually accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish. I half want to thank the damn universe for working so well with me today. I even walked the dog and found a belly dancing class just up the street. I can sign up and enrich my womanly goodness even further. I’m just hot shit today.
Even though I do feel like a very accomplished woman right now, I also feel quite spanked, spent, put firmly in my place. I can’t quite tell if this is a good feeling or not. I play a tough girl on “TV” but really I just want to know where I belong and be there. I want that all powerful Being to show me my path and put me on it intently with a little swat to my ass and say, “go to it girl, do what you do and do it damn well.” Of course I would never take such instruction from any human being on this planet unless we were wearing costumes and leather was involved. Considering I put myself through this day, I suppose I spanked my own ass. I am in control. I am the dominant. I suppose that’s just how God made me. I like God. He does some good stuff.
Hot damn there I go finishing out my day with an epiphany. Can’t get much better than that……………unless you throw in a beer and a good movie. Tired eyes permitting of course.
Posted: October 1, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Oh my heart was all a flutter when I clicked on my saved link for Ask and Ye Shall Recieve, as I do everyday and found that the blog reviewed that day was mine.
WOO HOO….FINALLY!
Check out my blog review Continue Reading
Posted: September 29, 2009 at 11:06 am | Tags: words not said
Don’t you just love those after thoughts. The ones that strike you and are brilliant but arrive much to late to actually utilize in the required situation. Well this was one of those and it deserves some attention, even if its not by the person who really needs it.
You are given a position working with people. Take advantage of that and expand your understanding of human nature and your own ability to show kindness. You are so fortunate it was me you offended. I am always open to forgive. Anyone else would condemn your actions as repugnant and unforgivable. I am aware that the ignorance you displayed can only be dismantled with patience and understanding.
Posted: September 28, 2009 at 11:59 pm | Tags: bitch please, get the ugly out, rant
I clean and now I can blog. Not a bad combo for coping with issues of anger.
I have to get this one out so be warned this is a vomit of sorts if you don’t like that sort of thing go read something else.
Most days I can flow with life as it strikes and choose how I will take the ride. Unfortunately on this particular evening someone took away my desired path. My path was to refresh and find kindness and forgiveness. All I found was a stone cold wall of harsh rejections. I am left with frustration and her ignorance. Not a comfortable feeling to be holding.
The thing that bothers me most is that she rejected not only me but my children.
Let me tell ya a little story ’bout a human being lacking in common sense and human kindness.
Setting the scene.
A packed and wild late night local high school football game. I am alone amongst several thousand people, alone with my 3 young children that is. I have no way to make it through the crowds with my stroller, cooler, back pack of toys and hiking pack filled with my youngest on my back. Fortunately I don’t have to maneuver through the hustle and bustle and am proudly escorted by my husband through the pass gate and lead to a very comfy and secluded seating section with only half a dozen other people in it. Enough room for my children to run back and forth in the seats, not disturbing anyone, and they get to catch glimpses of there daddy as he passes by. We get to feel the excitement of the two teams and their fans without being threatened with their screaming voices and possibly trampled on. The night was hot and the kids drank several juice boxes and waters to keep cool.
Incident.
My 3year old says, “mommy I have to pee. NOOOOWWW!” He is still new to the game of not pissing his pants, so this warning is always taken seriously. Now keep in mind I could never make it to a bathroom with all my kids and stuff, and allowing him to pee in the stands is just in poor taste. On the other hand I have no issue with him peeing on a bush outside. So I politely ask another fan to watch my stroller and stuff and grab up my 3 kids and walk them to the pass gate just a few yards away. As I approach the woman sitting there has a nasty look on her face, as if she is disgusted by me. I often forget I have many tattoos, holes in my face and unnaturally bright red hair until I get a look like that. My first reaction is always to show kindness, in hopes it will melt their initial ignorant preconceived ideas of me and soften the situation. I said hello and explained my 3year old was about to pee his pants and I just needed to slip through to a tall bush on the other side to let him relieve himself or he would pee his pants.
She tells me in the most rude and unfeeling voice possible, ” if you leave your not coming back in.”
I explain to her my stuff is still inside and some stranger is watching it for me, I will be very quick and that it’s really not a problem. I grabbed the kids hands hands and began to walk out and she stood up in my face almost giving me a chest bump and saying, “I mean it you will not come back in here.”
Frustrated and concerned for my child’s needs, I just huff away and mumble something about find a quiet hallway for him then. I walked him down the locker room halls hoping to find an open door and did not. He began to piss his pants and I tried to help him remove his pants so he would get less on himself. In the end he had to take off his shorts and spend the rest of the time at the game in his T-shirt and underwear. I was pissed. I even held up my sons wet shorts and said to the woman, “hey maybe you could wash these for him so he doesn’t have to miss out on going out to pizza with his daddy after the game.”
I sat and I calmed down for the next hour or so. I decided that If I am going to be the supportive wife and attend my husbands work functions that the people working for him should know who I am. It might just clear things up and avoid this problem in the future.
I walk my children over the pass gate again. I make sure to put on a soft smile and have nothing but good intentions in my heart. A woman from the other team approaches, she is a coach and loaded down with piles of bags and equipment. I step back to let her go first. She too is stopped by this woman and told harshly she will not be allowed back in.
The woman sort of laughs a bit and says, “I’m one of the coaches, it’s ok. I have to take this stuff to my car and return for the rest of it.”
The gate keeper says, ” no, why don’t you just leave that stuff here, and go get the rest now.”
The coach says, ” Um NO! I’m going to take this to my car, and I am going to return for the rest. I have a pass somewhere Im sure. Don’t you worry you wont get in any trouble letting a coach back in.”
The coach walks away.
I approach, admittedly sort of laughing that this gate keeper feels she has such “power” to wield she can speak so rudely to anyone and everyone. It made me feel a little better, that she was simple a person lacking common sense and not discriminating against me because of my appearance.
I started off by saying, “Hi, I’m sorry but I think we started off on the wrong foot.”
The gate keeper smirks and says, “oh yeah.”
“I really think we should introduce ourselves properly to avoid this problem in the future. I am Mr. N’s wife and these are his children.”
She interrupts me before I can even get our names out, ” Oh and what is that supposed to mean to me?”
I say, “well I’m not sure, just that we are his family and we are here to see him because he works so hard for the school we rarely get to see him.”
She hisses back with, “Oh well I’m so glad you come to see their daddy.”
I am getting confused now. I don’t understand why she is being so rude. It seems like a simple matter of knowing all your facts and repairing the previous damage. But she seems bent on being defensive. I realize this quickly and keep myself calm saying only, “yes its very important to them considering how much they don’t get to see him. Now my point was……………”
Interrupted again with, “oh but um I thought you came up here because we started off on the wrong foot, how is this making it better?”
She has totally put me in some alternate universe at this point, I am clueless as to why she is speaking to me this way and now raising her voice and standing up in my face. I raise my voice a bit to try and speak over her as she continues to interrupt my every word.
“I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP US TO KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE WE WILL BE ATTENDING MOST EVERY GAME.”
For some reason she took this as a threat also and got closer to me and said some bullshit about “oh yeah? really? what is that supposed to mean?”
Then some man from behind me touches my shoulder and says, “hey you don’t yell at her. she is a volunteer.”
My response to him was, “I don’t believe I was speaking to you, and that’s great she is volunteering for her child’s school.”
I look at this woman who is still in my space, “So are you a booster parent?”
and she come back with yet another, “why whats that supposed to imply.”
Gahhhh woman, Im thinking holy shit you are so paranoid. I’m not playing who is better than who here. I am just trying to intro-fucking duce myself. At this point I am beyond frustrated.
I ask them all, “hey so tell me something, if Mr. N came through here and needed to go out and come back in would you stop him too?”
I get a blank look, because they would not and could not do this to him.
“Well then you don’t need to stop me either. He is too busy working out there to escort me in and out of this gate and should NOT have to. The purpose of the no return rule is for the young people trying manipulate and play around, it is not intended for coaches,staff and close family of those people.”
of course no one was listening to reason. they all felt some sort of misguided duty to restrict me from letting my child pee in an appropriate place or letting me make peace with them. At this point, another coach walked up and told them all who I was, as if I needed someone to validate my identity. I know he was being helpful but he shouldn’t have to defend me like that. Even if I was not the “Top Dog’s” wife, if I was a regular attendee there to see the game, with 3 small children and one about to pee himself anyone with an ounce of compassion would have let me pass through without incident and return. We are not talking about national security here, it was a kids foot ball game.
I am exhausted and tired of thinking of this. I dislike leaving things unattended. I still feel a need to repair this issue and make all communications clear and peaceful. I am now hearing from my husband that they may want me to appologise to them. Really? Cause I thought that is what I was trying to do and they would not let me.
These people need me (in a professional capacity) more than I ever thought.
I think I have purged enough. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this personal vomit and love me anyway.
Posted: September 12, 2009 at 8:59 pm | Tags: call me names, naming, Self discovery
If you can pick your own name. A name that fits you. A name you would prefer to hear called out to get your attention for the rest of your life. What would it be? I am no name snob that’s for sure. I like all names, I don’t think a person should be forced to keep their birth name or made to feel guilty for wanting to change it. If you discover your true name is something totally different from your birth name I say take that name and claim it as your own. It’s unfortunate that it can cost you an ass load to legally change it here in america though.
So obviously a day came in my life when I asked myself, “Who the fuck am I really?” Through many years of adventurous discovery I found myself.
I am HOPE.
Although not the name given me by my parental units. I am HOPE. No joke. I am the ever living,never letting go, always feeling, loving you, holding on to that last glimmer of……… HOPE.
My mother named me Tonya Hope. In my humble opinion Tonya was a trailer trash stretch of her imagination for a cool “new” name but the name Hope was a gift from the universe. Yes folks I can love myself that fucking much. My name was gifted to me from God. It really is a meant to be kind of thing. Not everyone can say that. I have the uncanny ability to forgive, to love unconditionally, to move forward to a better future with a light always burning in the distance. I don’t care how depressed I have found myself in my life, I was never void of some idea of a brighter future. That is why I have always been a cutter and not a slicer. Gotta love that imagery.
Wikipedia says,
Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.[1] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.
Poem for Hope
A Hong Kong Proverb As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—
And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—
I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.
Emily Dickinson
So what name do you give yourself?
Posted: September 1, 2009 at 9:48 am
I’m just askin’
Some douche bag on craigslist has wasted my time for the second time. Hmmm wait, that might just make me the douche for falling for a second attempt for a pick up of my crappola. Anyway whoever is the douche bag my day has been flipped and now I’m cleaning my damn house. You could vacuum up an entire medium sized dog, so Im guess that is a sign it was time. Sometimes going with the flow works out for you.
In my normal day I would be hitting the gym right now working up a sweat to something fun like Snoop Dog, Black Sabbath,Metallica,Ice Cube, White Stripes, Family Force Five or even Kimya Dawson for stretching out. Oh not today, no I’m listening to the damn radio.
Our area got a new radio station. Its all 90’s. All the funk and junk played during my high school years. It’s not all terrible, and the worst part is I have to admit I found myself scrubbing my floor this morning to Naughty by Natures, “Down With Opp”. Yup. I still know the words and sing the song as if I wrote the damn thing. What the hell. I didn’t even listen to this shit in high school. I was a rocker chick, listening to Metallica, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd and Jimmy Hendrix.
I guess I am down with OPP.
Have a great fucking day no matter who throws a wrench into it.
