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Derby Greatness

I have been one busy mother fucker. Ok so that might not be such a nice thing to say to most, but Im just to busy to give a rats ass. I play derby now. Let me tell you that when you play derby you either do it half assed and never get anywhere (except you get to party like a derby girl) or you work hard and you dedicate yourself to the sport (and you party like a derby girl) and NO one seems to appreciate or understand your dedication. Well no one that is not a derby related person. My derby sisters understand, my refs understand, hell even the super fans understand im sure in their super fan kind of way. People in your life that don’t love derby the way you do, wont understand. They think you are just selfish and obsessing on your hobby.

Im not the kind of person who obsesses on silly things. I don’t or have I ever idolized any human being. I don’t buy the newest coolest technological toy as soon as it comes out. I don’t follow anything trendy.   I pay close attention to the things in life that make an over all difference. I focus on the richness of living.   I spent years focusing on being pregnant, birthing, and breastfeeding. I spent years on natural remedies and cures.  I have come to trust my judgement and opinion on the experiences I have. I no longer doubt myself, there is no need to.  I am right. Loving is greatness. Playing is greatness. Doing good is greatness. Damn it Derby is greatness.

To play it with your body mind and soul is to understand it’s greatness.   

I hav come. I have observed and I have found derby to be worthy of greatness.

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Boy No More

Boy – hair dyed blond?

Boy – dirty and smudged?

Boy – in your mussed play clothes?

Boy – bored and looking for a tree to climb?

Your eyes avoid my smile. We pass, you are no more.

Around I travel to find

Boy – Your hair is bleached from too much sun. No roof protects you.

Boy – Those are bruises amongst the dirt.

Boy – Your clothes have not been washed in weeks.

Boy – You meet the men in the alley.

As I pass you avoid my concerned look. You shrug and turn away, lowering yourself to your knees.

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Femalien

The  foreign creature.

Stolen.

Protective arms did not reach her.

Screams and thrashing only bring more pain….quiet that now.

Tuck it away, secrets of little girls.

Don’t frolic or giggle with the wind in your hair.

Burned and dead as the gray hairs sprout.

The Femalien emerges from old wounds.

Pools of green. Mirrors reflecting. Acceptance and safety EXIST!

No distance. No harm. No fear in this turn ’round.

In her face declaration of innocence and pure ALIVENESS.

This one shall not be squashed.

Her power prevails in the heart of the foreign one. Her screams will be of JOY and thrashing against the machines of man and oppression and she will overcome for she is Femalien, she is NOT stolen.

SHE IS THE THIEF NOW.

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It All Counts

EditEdit Likes and Interests

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My life ran away with the Derby Girls

It really did. I was so into the whole mommy thing and focusing on writing and just getting into shape and taking care of ME. Then I discovered Derby. I have been doing it now for just a few months and Im hooked. I don’t ever want to quit. I will be the girl who’s body gives out long before her heart does.  I don’t care how many times you knock me down or I knock myself down. I want this more than anything (outside of family) I have ever wanted. It challenges me. It brings me to the hard core center of who I am, tearing down all labels and fantasy ideas of who I  should be and just makes me prove my worth on skates.  It’s not just skates, its a mind game too. People will try to fuck with me mentally, and I have to learn to set that aside and I have to learn to “fuck” with other people. Wow! What a concept for someone like me, the healer, the peace maker, the lover of all.  The thing is though, I’m learning I can “fuck” with someones mind and still be all those beautiful things that I cherish in myself. I am only making that person stronger. Teaching them to see where they are weak and work on that. I can totally dig this kind of  “Life Coaching.”

I am in love with the brutality of it, with the strategy with the  talent.  I have never been a part of something that contained all those things and included anyone more than myself doing it.  I mean sure I can carry a baby and birth a baby and care for that child like some kind of Goddess, its like smooth butta’ for me but to put myself into something that every single day challenges my being and I leave every single practice feeling like I have grown in my soul…….well FUCK, there just ain’t nothing else like it. I feel so extremely blessed to have a supportive husband and family who encourage this.

I am just happy beyond belief and wanted to share that in a blog today cause I have not blogged since I started Derby. I test in February to see if I’m good enough to actually compete in front of people.  So if you love me send me some good kick ass vibes and if you don’t then fuck off cause I don’t need people in my life that don’t love me.

I love you all,

Hope

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I’m A Derby Girl

I have picked up a new addiction.  I have decided to become a roller derby girl.  I attended a bout 6 months or so ago and it was just beautiful to watch. Women in all different sizes moving there beautiful bodies in fast and rugged ways. I was mesmerized.  It struck me as one of those taboo things that I am always so attracted too.

Its not “proper”                     IM IN!

It’s not “lady like”                 IM IN!

It’s not safe                            IM IN!

It’s rude and crude              IM IN!

It can be painful                      IM IN!

I have never been on a team before nor have I ever had a slight desire to be on one. Until seeing this spectacular sport. It just fits me. Its raw and rough and real.

This is the reason I have not been taking time to blog or even get on the computer much. Being a part of this team is a huge commitment. I’m putting off several things I wanted to do for this. I consider it a life adventure, an experience to give me more passion and more stories to write about. 

I have sat and watched several practices and in 3 days I will be able to start actually practicing with the rest of the “fresh meat”. We have a kick ass coach who seems to have the desire,passion and drive I hope to acquire for the sport.

If anyone is  curious check out your area for Derby teams. Here is our website for an example http://www.sacredcityderbygirls.com/

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Dear Fearing Failure

Dear Hopenminded,

My fear of failure is a crippling force in my life. How do I overcome it and gain the confidence that is needed to accomplish my goals and get the things in life that I am after?

  thank you,

Fearing Failure

Dear Fearing Failure,

1. I got rid of assholes in my life that expected me to never make mistakes and when i did never forgave me.

2. I set myself up to WIN. Set smaller goals that you know you can accomplish and go ahead and feel good about doing it.

3. I connected with people that lifted me up and liked me no matter what (sure at one point that was only my husband)

4. Learn to love yourself. My son has a major problem with being a perfectionist and he completely shuts down when he doesnt do his artwork prefectly. If I let him go on his own he starts self hating. I told him, “instead of ripping that drawing up, step back from it, take a break and do something fun for yourself.” We sat and watch a dorky stoner movie and laughed our asses off and he was able to get back to his work with a new spirit.

5. If I do fail. I generally get back on that horse and try again. If its important to me and doesn’t cause me major stress.

I have failed going to college 3 times. I will not fail again. When I go the next time it will be because I know I’m ready and my life is ready for it….. and even then if something out of my control tears it all apart, I will get back on and push forward.

You dictate what is perfect. Why set yourself up to fail? Just figure out who you are and how you work and love yourself in what you find out about yourself.

seriously just adjust how you see PERFECT.

Hopenminded

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A Few Moments

First encounter:

A hand up not a hand out.

The man looked me in the eyes and gave of himself the inner most fears and insecurities he normally holds tight.  He was unafraid and shared fully letting out all.  Venting things he may not even want to share with his closest friends. He barely knows me. Yet he gives all this to me and cheerfully awaits my loving response.  How does he know I will be receptive to his verbal dump of his physical and emotional issues?  He knows because I purposely open myself up for it. I am a walking receptacle for people who are in need of honest and upfront solutions to their problems.  I shared my knowledge freely.  I showed him where his own power could be found. He walked away feeling confident and prepared to move forward with an issue and I walked away feeling strong and loving.

Second encounter:

Keeping it cool and distant may be the only safe path for me.

In another moment of my day a person who lives hundreds of miles away from me can throw my entire sense of security and well being off balance.  Just the sound of his voice hurts my heart and sets me on protective mode. Protect myself, my kids, my husband, my emotional well being.  I wish I could reach a point of understanding with this particular individual but that ball would be in his court as I have extended my hand of peace many times.  As it stands now I still consider him a predator of sorts.  He uses intimidation and threats to push his agenda.  His childish selfishness is undiscovered by him due to his imagined ability to understand psychology and how to manipulate the mind. I am sure he considers himself a real grown up. Yet his every word contradicts and shows where he is lacking. I suppose I could spend the rest of my life trying to comprehend this style of individual.  I have many questions rolling through my mind when his presence is anywhere near me…..even if only verbally. I need to learn to just let all that go. Not everyone will heal in life. Not everyone is going to get over the bad things they experienced. Some choose to hold on to anger and hatred and unknowingly or just not caring they spread the noxious stench of that feeling to everyone they encounter. I have no choice but to continue to know this person, I suppose I should just learn to separate my caring side and stop trying to bring a reality to his world and just stay cool and calm and let him play his game alone. I will just be a silent bystander.

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Spanked

No I’m not talking about those shameful things I used to do for money back in the day……

I’m talking about life. My life and all the exceptional kick assedness that it brings.  I have not had time for the relaxing things that I enjoy. Like helping people with their problems and listening and encouraging or sewing, dancing, singing, hiking, riding my bike or even a lazy afternoon in front of the television.

I have found myself lately being overwhelmed by all the possibilities in my life. I suppose that happens when you stop living like a victim, an abused child, and grow the fuck up and realize you have choices and wisdom and passion and endless possibilities. With all the possibilities swirling around, like going back to school, creating my tinctures, helping friends get well, parties for days in OCTOBER,  creating my own business, honing my writing skills, and a million other things my mind chooses to create throughout the day.  I realized I needed to focus back on the basics.  My basics consist of the house, the kids, the animals and the man, oh and my mental well being always comes first.  Sounds selfish I know, but when you have been as “crazy” as I have been for as long as I have been you understand that my sanity is key to everyone else’s safety and positive life experiences.  I have a civic responsibility to not go bat shit nuts ever again, so I must work out at least 3 days a week and get plenty of sleep. After that, my house is not exactly the picture of clean and I certainly wouldn’t want to invite someone into it like this.

So of course me being me.  I did just that. I invited someone over.  This is the only way I will get myself to do what needs to be done around her.  I will clean the underside of my toilet if I think a new friend is coming over. Of course my son will piss all over it the second before she knocks on the door but still, I did the work damn it.

Today I challenged myself to a race.  Racing myself in the day to see who wins the lazy ass bitch who says fuck it and jumps on the Internet or the hard core me who burns 500 calories at the gym before 10 a.m. and gets her kids played with, read to, and tuckered out in time to do the damned dishes and have dinner ready  for my spectacular husband to come home and enjoy it with me.

Ya know what, hard core me totally finished first today.

I can be super woman and get it all done in a day. I do realize that all the stars were aligned and my moon must have been its positive orbital trajectory and some other such bullshit in order for me to actually accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish.  I half want to thank the damn universe for working so well with me today.   I even walked the dog and found a belly dancing class just up the street. I can sign up and enrich my womanly goodness even further. I’m just hot shit today.

Even though I do feel like a very accomplished woman right now, I also feel quite spanked, spent, put firmly in my place.  I can’t quite tell if this is a good feeling or not.    I play a tough girl on “TV” but really I just want to know where I belong and be there. I want that all powerful Being to show me my path and put me on it intently with a little swat to my ass and say, “go to it girl, do what you do and do it damn well.”  Of course I would never take such instruction from any human being on this planet unless we were wearing costumes and leather was involved. Considering I put myself through this day, I suppose I spanked my own ass. I am in control. I am the dominant.  I suppose that’s just how God made me.  I like God. He does some good stuff.

Hot damn there I go finishing out my day with an epiphany. Can’t get much better than that……………unless you throw in a beer and a good movie. Tired eyes permitting of course.

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Weighed and Found Not So Wanting

Oh my heart was all a flutter when I clicked on my saved link for Ask and Ye Shall Recieve, as I do everyday and found that the blog reviewed that day was mine.

WOO HOO….FINALLY!

Check out my blog review Continue Reading