Judgy McJudgerson
Posted: August 12, 2009 at 5:13 pm | Tags: non-judgemental, observing, the world aroundOn the playground
Miss Scaredy Pants Mom:
“no don’t do that, you can’t do that, your too small. Don’t you know you just can’t do that. Your not big enough, No….NO…..NO…..NO” Repeat this same sort of thing OVER and OVER for 10 straight minutes.
In line to return something
“Miss Know it all to her companion:
” Yeah I have to return this shirt, I won’t dare try something on HERE….ewww, I was surprised they even carried a brand like this, suppose it serves me right for shopping here though they probably got all the misshapen items to be cheaper. “
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“Can you believe Helen brought that man to the BBQ last night, she just met him and she was already slow dancing with him. I would never do thaaaat…ughhh. She is too old to be acting like a young school girl. She has no class. That man is going to take her for a ride for sure.That is exactly why I just don’t date anymore, they are all liars and users.”
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“My sister says she is going to send her kids to public school. I tried to tell her what a huge mistake that was but she just kept saying how expensive private school is and they are barely scraping by. Oh sure they are scraping by, I saw they bought a new boat for when they go camping…..maybe they should just sell that boat and one of there cars and they could do right by those kids and send them to a proper school. I’m so glad I don’t have kids, but if i did I sure wouldn’t screw them up like she is. You know you have to make certain sacrifices if you want to be a good parent.”
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“I saw this lady in the store the other day. She had this brat screaming in her cart pulling everything off the shelves. I was so pleased to see some REAL parenting when she pulled herself out of that line and took the child to the side and spanked him. You just don’t see people do that anymore and its a shame. You know that is why we have such horrible juvenile delinquents running around everywhere.
Huh just yesterday one of them came to my door, ignoring my no solicitors sign, and giving me some sob story about needing to raise money for his football team, he had a plastic tub full of candy bars. OH PLEEEEEASE, like i would buy candy bars off some dirty hoodlum who rang my bell. If he really was from a football team they should tell them to dress in nicer clothes when they go out begging…ughhhh.”
The companion then said, “Oh Abby SHUT UP!”
In Target:
3 year old girl: “I’m tired.”
her mother: ignores her, and continues talking into her blue tooth
3year old girl: “mama, I’m tired and my legs hurt.”
her mother: ignores her, still chatting on the blue tooth
3 year old girl: ” mama………..mamaaa MY LEGS REALLY HURT!”
her mother: “uh huh, thats nice honey” back to the blue tooth
3year old girl: sits on her butt in the isle, screams at her mom, “I can’t walk.”
her mother: had just got off the blue tooth and says, ” OH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING?” She then swoops the child up violently and tosses her in the cart, and says, “there now shut up retard.”
Oh these people are making it so hard to not place judgment. I want so bad to speak up, to help, to do anything to bring a different feeling to these situations. Normally I would. Normally I am able to bring things around to a more pleasant experience for all. I wonder how long I am going to be in need of keeping my mouth shut and just listening and observing. It’s killing me. I am starting to feel better. I have a healthy grasp of my role in the world again, but a few more days will still be good for me.
The Discussion
see what everyone is saying
I don’t know how you DO say something in those instances. I’m so afraid of getting into screaming contests or beating the shit out of people to even say anything when stuff like that happens. The other day, my bad-parent-of-the-year neighbor had a friend over. He had his little baby boy with him. He couldn’t have been more than 2. The guy was saying shit like, “Git yer ass over here! I will beat your ass, I don’t care who’s watching!!!” And they all hid around the side of the house like we’re some fucking CPS spies or something. It must be the drug paranoia. Anyways, I felt so bad for that little boy. Why does his dad have anything to do with him if he doesn’t even want him around? How can he talk to a baby like that and even expect the baby to understand what he wants? I have no idea how to approach someone like that without the help of a crowbar.
I really admire your ability to step in and tell people what’s what and to boot, probably in a calm manner. I would just blow my top if I even attempted it.
Oh, and I just love those holier than thou types who think they know EVERYTHING about parenting when they don’t even have kids. I’m glad her friend told her to shut up, lol.
That last one calling her kid a retard pissed me off. Poor kid.
HOW can you do this? I’m not being sarcastic, I’m asking. How can you train yourself to not judge? Because I do judge – all the time. And I know I shouldn’t.
That last one? Made me want to kick the mother. I’m not a fanatic about it, but I hate the way people throw the word “retard” around. Being the mother of a child who is actually severely mentally retarded – I take it as a personal insult. Retardation is a medical diagnosis, not a character flaw or put down. I just find it insulting and that it shows a lack of intelligence (usually) of the person using the word. I know it’s only a word, and it shouldn’t bug me so much. But it does.
So I’m really curious – HOW are you doing this? HOW are you stopping the judgments from running through your mind?
Melissa. I am not sure what it is exactly, I have been lucky to just have a way with people most times. In a case like what you described, I would have to get close to the people first…..If possible. I would in subtle ways firs find out why the father is such and asshole so I could asses what kind of “help” he may be in need of. Some people just need a break and a good example of how to properly talk to a child that young. It’s all case by case. My husband always forgets that I have MY WAYS and that since he has known me I have no gotten into a fight or hurt anyone more than I helped them.
Honestly I think in the case of the mother and the child she called retarded I might have just said to her calmly and looking right in her eyes, “your child is not retarded and you are lucky she is so healthy and has such a good vocabulary. She has been clearly expressing to you her needs and very politely, but you were ignoring her on your phone.”
I have done this before. I can read people, and I know this woman would not have taken it wrong. She may have started to cry from embarrassment, and guilt. I think she knew better but was not thinking. I feel for people like that, they are just caught up and need to be brought down to what is really important. The saddest thing is those who get caught up and stay caught up forever.
The woman in line in front of me. I simply would have said, ” do you know what you sound like? your practically yelling out your self righteous judgments of every person in your path. and in the middle of a walmart no less surrounded by some of the very people you would throw your judgments on. you might want to keep it down.” Im just glad her friend told her to shut up, the look on her face was priceless.
And of course for Miss scaredy pants I didnt exactly keep my mouth SHUT SHUT. I gave her examples of how she could encourage her child instead of limiting her, by using my smallest child as an example in close proximity. Not in a bragging type way but a way that gave her ideas of what she could do. She noticed. I saw her try to change right then, but she really was scared. No worries though, a seed was planted.
Kay,
I am so happy you asked. I learned from the DBT group I was in back when I was struggling with depression and other psychological issues. I wrote about it in this post
http://hopenminded.com/2009/06/23/seriously-try-it/
I think people can order the books on line now to try it themselves. but when i did it it was new and only for group settings.
I can recommend meditating on simple things throughout your day. Things you would not think your judging but you do. Like judging the weather by the sky. If its dark and cloudy our minds automatically give us a judgment of how we are going to feel that day or how we will either enjoy or not enjoy the weather as it is. Instead look at the dark clouds and just call them what they are not how they make you feel.
example:
the clouds are a dark gray
they are grouped together to the west blowing toward the east
I see rain in the distance
the rain is being blown by wind
I know it sounds ridiculous. but if you try to practice this with little things you may find at first its harder than you thought. that is why i say start with the small stuff and move up to the bigger things.
also an open mind to understanding that everyone is in a different place and is going to a different end than ourselves helps me. knowing that even the “negative” forces in my life taught me very important lessons that i would never give up now, helps me to temper my judgment with love.
I know what you mean, love. SO hard to not speak up sometimes.