Im not the kind of person who obsesses on silly things. I don’t or have I ever idolized any human being. I don’t buy the newest coolest technological toy as soon as it comes out. I don’t follow anything trendy.   I pay close attention to the things in life that make an over all difference. I focus on the richness of living.   I spent years focusing on being pregnant, birthing, and breastfeeding. I spent years on natural remedies and cures.  I have come to trust my judgement and opinion on the experiences I have. I no longer doubt myself, there is no need to.  I am right. Loving is greatness. Playing is greatness. Doing good is greatness. Damn it Derby is greatness.

To play it with your body mind and soul is to understand it’s greatness.   

I hav come. I have observed and I have found derby to be worthy of greatness.

I’m talking about life. My life and all the exceptional kick assedness that it brings.  I have not had time for the relaxing things that I enjoy. Like helping people with their problems and listening and encouraging or sewing, dancing, singing, hiking, riding my bike or even a lazy afternoon in front of the television.

I have found myself lately being overwhelmed by all the possibilities in my life. I suppose that happens when you stop living like a victim, an abused child, and grow the fuck up and realize you have choices and wisdom and passion and endless possibilities. With all the possibilities swirling around, like going back to school, creating my tinctures, helping friends get well, parties for days in OCTOBER,  creating my own business, honing my writing skills, and a million other things my mind chooses to create throughout the day.  I realized I needed to focus back on the basics.  My basics consist of the house, the kids, the animals and the man, oh and my mental well being always comes first.  Sounds selfish I know, but when you have been as “crazy” as I have been for as long as I have been you understand that my sanity is key to everyone else’s safety and positive life experiences.  I have a civic responsibility to not go bat shit nuts ever again, so I must work out at least 3 days a week and get plenty of sleep. After that, my house is not exactly the picture of clean and I certainly wouldn’t want to invite someone into it like this.

So of course me being me.  I did just that. I invited someone over.  This is the only way I will get myself to do what needs to be done around her.  I will clean the underside of my toilet if I think a new friend is coming over. Of course my son will piss all over it the second before she knocks on the door but still, I did the work damn it.

Today I challenged myself to a race.  Racing myself in the day to see who wins the lazy ass bitch who says fuck it and jumps on the Internet or the hard core me who burns 500 calories at the gym before 10 a.m. and gets her kids played with, read to, and tuckered out in time to do the damned dishes and have dinner ready  for my spectacular husband to come home and enjoy it with me.

Ya know what, hard core me totally finished first today.

I can be super woman and get it all done in a day. I do realize that all the stars were aligned and my moon must have been its positive orbital trajectory and some other such bullshit in order for me to actually accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish.  I half want to thank the damn universe for working so well with me today.   I even walked the dog and found a belly dancing class just up the street. I can sign up and enrich my womanly goodness even further. I’m just hot shit today.

Even though I do feel like a very accomplished woman right now, I also feel quite spanked, spent, put firmly in my place.  I can’t quite tell if this is a good feeling or not.    I play a tough girl on “TV” but really I just want to know where I belong and be there. I want that all powerful Being to show me my path and put me on it intently with a little swat to my ass and say, “go to it girl, do what you do and do it damn well.”  Of course I would never take such instruction from any human being on this planet unless we were wearing costumes and leather was involved. Considering I put myself through this day, I suppose I spanked my own ass. I am in control. I am the dominant.  I suppose that’s just how God made me.  I like God. He does some good stuff.

Hot damn there I go finishing out my day with an epiphany. Can’t get much better than that……………unless you throw in a beer and a good movie. Tired eyes permitting of course.

You are given a position working with people. Take advantage of that and expand your understanding of human nature and your own ability to show kindness. You are so fortunate it was me you offended. I am always open to forgive. Anyone else would condemn your actions as repugnant and unforgivable. I am aware that the ignorance you displayed can only be dismantled with patience and understanding.

I have to get this one out so be warned this is a vomit of sorts if you don’t like that sort of thing go read something else.

Most days I can flow with life as it strikes and choose how I will take the ride. Unfortunately on this particular evening someone took away my desired path. My path was to refresh and find kindness and forgiveness. All I found was a stone cold wall of harsh rejections. I am left with frustration and her ignorance. Not a comfortable feeling to be holding.

The thing that bothers me most is that she rejected not only me but my children.

Let me tell ya a little story ’bout a human being lacking in common sense and human kindness.

Setting the scene.

A packed and wild late night local high school football game.  I am alone amongst several thousand people, alone with my 3 young children that is.  I have no way to make it through the crowds with my stroller, cooler, back pack of toys and hiking pack filled with my youngest on my back.  Fortunately I don’t have to maneuver through the hustle and bustle and am proudly escorted by my husband through the pass gate and lead to a very comfy and secluded seating section with only half a dozen other people in it. Enough room for my children to run back and forth in the seats, not disturbing anyone, and they get to catch glimpses of there daddy as he passes by.  We get to feel the excitement of the two teams and their fans without being threatened with their screaming voices and possibly trampled on.  The night was hot and the kids drank several juice boxes and waters to keep cool.

Incident.

My 3year old says, “mommy I have to pee. NOOOOWWW!”  He is still new to the game of not pissing his pants, so this warning is always taken seriously.  Now keep in mind I could never make it to a bathroom with all my kids and stuff, and allowing him to pee in the stands is just in poor taste.  On the other hand I have no issue with him peeing on a bush outside. So I politely ask another fan to watch my stroller and stuff and grab up my 3 kids and walk them to the pass gate just a few yards away.  As I approach the woman sitting there has a nasty look on her face, as if she is disgusted by me. I often forget I have many tattoos, holes in my face and unnaturally bright red hair until I get a look like that.  My first reaction is always to show kindness, in hopes it will melt their initial ignorant preconceived ideas of me and soften the situation.  I said hello and explained my 3year old was about to pee his pants and I just needed to slip through to a tall bush on the other side to let him relieve himself or he would pee his pants.

She tells me in the most rude and unfeeling voice possible, ” if you leave your not coming back in.”

I explain to her my stuff is still inside and some stranger is watching it for me, I will be very quick and that it’s really not a problem. I grabbed the kids hands hands and began to walk out and she stood up in my face almost giving me a chest bump and saying, “I mean it you will not come back in here.”

Frustrated and concerned for my child’s needs, I just huff away and mumble something about find a quiet hallway for him then. I walked him down the locker room halls hoping to find an open door and did not. He began to piss his pants and I tried to help him remove his pants so he would get less on himself. In the end he had to take off his shorts and spend the rest of the time at the game in his T-shirt and underwear.  I was pissed.  I even held up my sons wet shorts and said to the woman, “hey maybe you could wash these for him so he doesn’t have to miss out on going out to pizza with his daddy after the game.”

I sat and I calmed down for the next hour or so.  I decided that If I am going to be the supportive wife and attend my husbands work functions that the people working for him should know who I am.   It might just clear things up and avoid this problem in the future.

I walk my children over the pass gate again. I make sure to put on a soft smile and have nothing but good intentions in my heart. A woman from the other team approaches, she is a coach and loaded down with piles of bags and equipment. I step back to let her go first. She too is stopped by this woman and told harshly she will not be allowed back in.

The woman sort of laughs a bit and says, “I’m one of the coaches, it’s ok. I have to take this stuff to my car and return for the rest of it.”

The gate keeper says, ” no, why don’t you just leave that stuff here, and go get the rest now.”

The coach says, ” Um NO! I’m going to take this to my car, and I am going to return for the rest. I have a pass somewhere Im sure. Don’t you worry you wont get in any trouble letting a coach back in.”

The coach walks away.

I approach, admittedly sort of laughing that this gate keeper feels she has such “power” to wield she can speak so rudely to anyone and everyone. It made me feel a little better, that she was simple a person lacking common sense and not discriminating against me because of my appearance.

I started off by saying, “Hi, I’m sorry but I think we started off on the wrong foot.”

The gate keeper smirks and says, “oh yeah.”

“I really think we should introduce ourselves properly to avoid this problem in the future. I am Mr. N’s wife and these are his children.”

She interrupts me before I can even get our names out, ” Oh and what is that supposed to mean to me?”

I say, “well I’m not sure, just that we are his family and we are here to see him because he works so hard for the school we rarely get to see him.”

She hisses back with, “Oh well I’m so glad you come to see their daddy.”

I am getting confused now. I don’t understand why she is being so rude. It seems like a simple matter of knowing all your facts and repairing the previous damage. But she seems bent on being defensive. I realize this quickly and keep myself calm saying only, “yes its very important to them considering how much they don’t get to see him. Now my point was……………”

Interrupted again with, “oh but um I thought you came up here because we started off on the wrong foot, how is this making it better?”

She has totally put me in some alternate universe at this point, I am clueless as to why she is speaking to me this way and now raising her voice and standing up in my face. I raise my voice a bit to try and speak over her as she continues to interrupt my every word.

“I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP US TO KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE WE WILL BE ATTENDING MOST EVERY GAME.”

For some reason she took this as a threat also and got closer to me and said some bullshit about “oh yeah? really? what is that supposed to mean?”

Then some man from behind me touches my shoulder and says, “hey you don’t yell at her. she is a volunteer.”

My response to him was, “I don’t believe I was speaking to you, and that’s great she is volunteering for her child’s school.”

I look at this woman who is still in my space, “So are you a booster parent?”

and she come back with yet another, “why whats that supposed to imply.”

Gahhhh woman, Im thinking holy shit you are so paranoid. I’m not playing who is better than who here. I am just trying to intro-fucking duce myself. At this point I am beyond frustrated.

I ask them all, “hey so tell me something, if Mr. N came through here and needed to go out and come back in would you stop him too?”

I get a blank look, because they would not and could not do this to him.

“Well then you don’t need to stop me either. He is too busy working out there to escort me in and out of this gate and should NOT have to.  The purpose of the no return rule is for the young people trying manipulate and play around, it is not intended for coaches,staff and close family of those people.”

of course no one was listening to reason. they all felt some sort of misguided duty to restrict me from letting my child pee in an appropriate place or letting me make peace with them. At this point, another coach walked up and told them all who I was, as if I needed someone to validate my identity. I know he was being helpful but he shouldn’t have to defend me like that. Even if I was not the “Top Dog’s” wife, if I was a regular attendee there to see the game, with 3 small children and one about to pee himself anyone with an ounce of compassion would have let me pass through without incident and return.  We are not talking about national security here, it was a kids foot ball game.

I am exhausted and tired of thinking of this. I dislike leaving things unattended. I still feel a need to repair this issue and make all communications clear and peaceful. I am now hearing from my husband that they may want me to appologise to them. Really? Cause I thought that is what I was trying to do and they would not let me.

These people need me (in a professional capacity) more than I ever thought.

I think I have purged enough. Thank  you to whoever takes the time to read this personal vomit and love me anyway.

So obviously a day came in my life when I asked myself, “Who the fuck am I really?”  Through many years of adventurous discovery I found myself.

I am HOPE.

Although not the name given me by my parental units.   I am HOPE.   No joke.   I am the ever living,never letting go, always feeling, loving you, holding on to that last glimmer of……… HOPE.

My mother named me Tonya Hope. In my humble opinion Tonya was a trailer trash stretch of her imagination for a cool “new” name but the name Hope was a gift from the universe.  Yes folks I can love myself that fucking much.   My name was gifted to me from God.  It really is a meant to be kind of thing. Not everyone can say that. I have the uncanny ability to forgive, to love unconditionally, to move forward to a better future with a light always burning in the distance.  I don’t care how depressed I have found myself in my life, I was never void of some idea of a brighter future.  That is why I have always been a cutter and not a slicer. Gotta love that imagery.

Wikipedia says,

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.^[1] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.

Poem for Hope
A Hong Kong Proverb As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

Emily Dickinson

So what name do you give yourself?

You say the world sucks and is full of nothing but rapists and murderers. I know this is not going to go over well, but my dear that is what you see because that is all you choose to see. It’s confusing when you constantly complain about it, yet you refuse to see the beauty just around the corner.  To constantly watch someone I love drag their own soul down into the fucking muck is tiresome.  I wish I could spare you the turmoil and pain, but for whatever reason you need to experience life this way for now. I hope you get over it soon. I look forward to the day your repulsive view of the world turns to something more palatable.  Until it does, I will keep on loving you and telling you when your being a Douchy McDoucher.

A sad and lost boy desperate for an angel to save him

+

A young woman sheltered so completely, she appeared angelic

=

a date rape

and a remainder of ONE (small innocent female)

Not wanted from conception……. abort abort abort! the banshees screech.

Lies  told in the name of God……  Sinners! Sinners! Sinners !

A future of pain and sorrow set forth before birth

innocence scavenged at 3 years………a family tradition continues

change only brings more predators

then vultures came in masks of friendly deception

the babe was given no knowledge or weapons of defense

add the wolves devouring more than their “share”

she was left for dead

but her heart never stopped beating, her mind never stopped searching, her spirit never stopped soaring

She clawed and she scraped and she prayed and she fought and she cried and she forgave and she loved and she never let go of the soul created, even before conception.

The spirit that was breathed into her by her maker, before all the pain, before all the defiling she was pure and loved.

A love that is bigger and louder and brighter than any darkness this world can dish out.

I always hated math anyway.

I AM BLIND

When my world seems too much for me to take, and everything whirls around  in a hurricane.  Things I fancy in my control slip from my grasp.   I am unable to make sense of or find solutions to dilemas.  In most cases I create these issues, just to have something to solve.  In my desire to be important or needed, I create a monster that no one wants around, not even myself.    I begin to complain about my life, and ask others how to solve the problems.  I talk too much of my downfalls and inability to control all that is swimming around.  My mind races and I am no longer my true self.

I CAN SEE

The world is not spinning around me, I am spinning around it. I am busily fluttering over everything I consider “my domain” and I am telling myself that this is all something I should be taking care of.

This happens once or twice a year. I know its time to refocus my attention on others. I have lost my way from peace and comfort.  I do not like this state I have put myself in.

So I will be quiet, I will observe more and listen intently without judgment or the desire to repair.  I am a healer to those who seek healing, when times are slow I shall not create something or someone to heal.

Be in peace.

Some quotes and how they helped :

Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.   
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I bring myself peace by shutting my mouth and opening my heart to others)

He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees.
Benjamin Franklin

(Obvious isn’t it)

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
Mother Teresa

(I am at peace in you)

It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
Eleanor Roosevelt

(Being quiet is work for me. It is work I know well to bring me joy, it is worth more than gold)

You analyse your “shit” and see what needs improvement.

You make lists and flimsy attempts to repair old damage and create new platforms to hoist yourself up to, but you fail fail fail.

You begin to feel sorry for yourself.

You ask others why things aren’t getting better.

They don’t have the damn answers, you dolt.  You have all the answers.  You were born with them.  It’s your life, you have to put forward the real and difficult changes needed to break out of that circle and create a new future.

Or continue to sit in your circle playing footsie with yourself wondering why your life sucks.

It’s as if you are still in school and you got lazy and cocky thinking you knew all the answers so you didn’t need to study. You get in and take the test and fail miserably and next year wonder why you have to take algebra over again.

Get it? Its all like that. A lesson. Learn it. Move on to the next one.

Thank you.

I get these spectacular ideas from my everyday life and inspirations from wonderful writers. I feel the ideas well up inside of me and grow, like a flower being filmed on some nature show in fast forward. The seed is planted, the bud peeks out of the ground and before you know it you have a full on stem and leaf unfurling itself for all to see and all this within 30 seconds or so. That is how my ideas blossom. One problem, I’m scatter brained and unorganized. I get too many ideas and think they are all the bee’s knees but before I get a chance to write them down or even jot a note on my had to recall the inspiration for later blogging, something comes along to distract, dismay or detour my enlightenment.

Currently I have a severe double ear infection my eustation tubes are full and I can’t hear anyone unless they are looking right at me. My own words spoken are like a booming Megaphone only I can hear. When your voice is that loud, you realize you talk to damn much and maybe what you have to say really is not that important. I long for silence.

So I sit and I wait for my hearing to come back so I can once again fill my mind, my hand, my scraps of paper, and my blog with my mind boggling epiphanies and clusterfucks of spiffy ideas. I swear I have been having pages upon pages of mind blowing ideas. Unfortunately my illness and all my nagging children leave me with only the shitter invention. So it’s all yours.

To keep things visually interesting here is my latest “clusterfuck” of an idea. Personally I don’t think its such a bad idea. Of course my family laughs at me.

We are planning a roughin‘ it camping trip. The camp site does provide port-o-potties. I refuse to use a shared-shit-shack, that’s just nasty as hell. My husband doesn’t believe in spending a lot of money. So I have to get inventive using very little money sometimes.

Here you go:

First you need a head strap light(for those night trips to the shitter)

You need a 5 or 7 gallon bucket with the bottom cut out (so your shit can fall to the hole you have dug in the ground)

Use an old wire hanger to create a toilet paper holder and some toilet paper. Get your kids toilet ring so they don’t fall in. Or you can go to your local R.E.I and get one of these.

You put it all together and you have sanitary shitters for you and your family.

Don’t forget to buy a mini shovel for those shit holes

For my frugal husband, all this only cost us 9 bucks……the cost of the head light. Which I’m sure we will find many other uses for. The rest of it, we already had around the house. Unless you decide to chip in for the fancy potty seat for 12.99. Oooohh we could be livin‘ large darlin‘.