No I’m not talking about those shameful things I used to do for money back in the day……
I’m talking about life. My life and all the exceptional kick assedness that it brings. I have not had time for the relaxing things that I enjoy. Like helping people with their problems and listening and encouraging or sewing, dancing, singing, hiking, riding my bike or even a lazy afternoon in front of the television.
I have found myself lately being overwhelmed by all the possibilities in my life. I suppose that happens when you stop living like a victim, an abused child, and grow the fuck up and realize you have choices and wisdom and passion and endless possibilities. With all the possibilities swirling around, like going back to school, creating my tinctures, helping friends get well, parties for days in OCTOBER, creating my own business, honing my writing skills, and a million other things my mind chooses to create throughout the day. I realized I needed to focus back on the basics. My basics consist of the house, the kids, the animals and the man, oh and my mental well being always comes first. Sounds selfish I know, but when you have been as “crazy” as I have been for as long as I have been you understand that my sanity is key to everyone else’s safety and positive life experiences. I have a civic responsibility to not go bat shit nuts ever again, so I must work out at least 3 days a week and get plenty of sleep. After that, my house is not exactly the picture of clean and I certainly wouldn’t want to invite someone into it like this.
So of course me being me. I did just that. I invited someone over. This is the only way I will get myself to do what needs to be done around her. I will clean the underside of my toilet if I think a new friend is coming over. Of course my son will piss all over it the second before she knocks on the door but still, I did the work damn it.
Today I challenged myself to a race. Racing myself in the day to see who wins the lazy ass bitch who says fuck it and jumps on the Internet or the hard core me who burns 500 calories at the gym before 10 a.m. and gets her kids played with, read to, and tuckered out in time to do the damned dishes and have dinner ready for my spectacular husband to come home and enjoy it with me.
Ya know what, hard core me totally finished first today.
I can be super woman and get it all done in a day. I do realize that all the stars were aligned and my moon must have been its positive orbital trajectory and some other such bullshit in order for me to actually accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish. I half want to thank the damn universe for working so well with me today. I even walked the dog and found a belly dancing class just up the street. I can sign up and enrich my womanly goodness even further. I’m just hot shit today.
Even though I do feel like a very accomplished woman right now, I also feel quite spanked, spent, put firmly in my place. I can’t quite tell if this is a good feeling or not. I play a tough girl on “TV” but really I just want to know where I belong and be there. I want that all powerful Being to show me my path and put me on it intently with a little swat to my ass and say, “go to it girl, do what you do and do it damn well.” Of course I would never take such instruction from any human being on this planet unless we were wearing costumes and leather was involved. Considering I put myself through this day, I suppose I spanked my own ass. I am in control. I am the dominant. I suppose that’s just how God made me. I like God. He does some good stuff.
Hot damn there I go finishing out my day with an epiphany. Can’t get much better than that……………unless you throw in a beer and a good movie. Tired eyes permitting of course.
You say the world sucks and is full of nothing but rapists and murderers. I know this is not going to go over well, but my dear that is what you see because that is all you choose to see. It’s confusing when you constantly complain about it, yet you refuse to see the beauty just around the corner. To constantly watch someone I love drag their own soul down into the fucking muck is tiresome. I wish I could spare you the turmoil and pain, but for whatever reason you need to experience life this way for now. I hope you get over it soon. I look forward to the day your repulsive view of the world turns to something more palatable. Until it does, I will keep on loving you and telling you when your being a Douchy McDoucher.
A sad and lost boy desperate for an angel to save him
+
A young woman sheltered so completely, she appeared angelic
=
a date rape
and a remainder of ONE (small innocent female)
Not wanted from conception……. abort abort abort! the banshees screech.
Lies told in the name of God…… Sinners! Sinners! Sinners !
A future of pain and sorrow set forth before birth
innocence scavenged at 3 years………a family tradition continues
change only brings more predators
then vultures came in masks of friendly deception
the babe was given no knowledge or weapons of defense
add the wolves devouring more than their “share”
she was left for dead
but her heart never stopped beating, her mind never stopped searching, her spirit never stopped soaring
She clawed and she scraped and she prayed and she fought and she cried and she forgave and she loved and she never let go of the soul created, even before conception.
The spirit that was breathed into her by her maker, before all the pain, before all the defiling she was pure and loved.
A love that is bigger and louder and brighter than any darkness this world can dish out.
“no don’t do that, you can’t do that, your too small. Don’t you know you just can’t do that. Your not big enough, No….NO…..NO…..NO” Repeat this same sort of thing OVER and OVER for 10 straight minutes.
In line to return something
“Miss Know it all to her companion:
” Yeah I have to return this shirt, I won’t dare try something on HERE….ewww, I was surprised they even carried a brand like this, suppose it serves me right for shopping here though they probably got all the misshapen items to be cheaper. “
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“Can you believe Helen brought that man to the BBQ last night, she just met him and she was already slow dancing with him. I would never do thaaaat…ughhh. She is too old to be acting like a young school girl. She has no class. That man is going to take her for a ride for sure.That is exactly why I just don’t date anymore, they are all liars and users.”
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“My sister says she is going to send her kids to public school. I tried to tell her what a huge mistake that was but she just kept saying how expensive private school is and they are barely scraping by. Oh sure they are scraping by, I saw they bought a new boat for when they go camping…..maybe they should just sell that boat and one of there cars and they could do right by those kids and send them to a proper school. I’m so glad I don’t have kids, but if i did I sure wouldn’t screw them up like she is. You know you have to make certain sacrifices if you want to be a good parent.”
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
“I saw this lady in the store the other day. She had this brat screaming in her cart pulling everything off the shelves. I was so pleased to see some REAL parenting when she pulled herself out of that line and took the child to the side and spanked him. You just don’t see people do that anymore and its a shame. You know that is why we have such horrible juvenile delinquents running around everywhere.
Huh just yesterday one of them came to my door, ignoring my no solicitors sign, and giving me some sob story about needing to raise money for his football team, he had a plastic tub full of candy bars. OH PLEEEEEASE, like i would buy candy bars off some dirty hoodlum who rang my bell. If he really was from a football team they should tell them to dress in nicer clothes when they go out begging…ughhhh.”
The companion then said, “Oh Abby SHUT UP!”
In Target:
3 year old girl: “I’m tired.”
her mother: ignores her, and continues talking into her blue tooth
3year old girl: “mama, I’m tired and my legs hurt.”
her mother: ignores her, still chatting on the blue tooth
3 year old girl: ” mama………..mamaaa MY LEGS REALLY HURT!”
her mother: “uh huh, thats nice honey” back to the blue tooth
3year old girl: sits on her butt in the isle, screams at her mom, “I can’t walk.”
her mother: had just got off the blue tooth and says, ” OH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING?” She then swoops the child up violently and tosses her in the cart, and says, “there now shut up retard.”
Oh these people are making it so hard to not place judgment. I want so bad to speak up, to help, to do anything to bring a different feeling to these situations. Normally I would. Normally I am able to bring things around to a more pleasant experience for all. I wonder how long I am going to be in need of keeping my mouth shut and just listening and observing. It’s killing me. I am starting to feel better. I have a healthy grasp of my role in the world again, but a few more days will still be good for me.
The thin girl with her mother searching for school clothes.
Mother says, “do they only make these pants in XX or husky? It’s so difficult sometimes to find clothes for my daughter, it seems the world is becoming naturally geared toward the overweight and obese. They tell me I have to find her clothes in the ’slim’ section, as if she is some kind of freakishly small person. She is normal and healthy a minority I suppose.”
In the parking lot at the Wal Mart on a Saturday before noon. I am located 1 car away and my windows are down, I am in a truck that sits high.
They park 3 rows away from each other. She is in her turquoise Trans Am. There is tape on many of the windows, grey and peeling. She is blasting her rap music, while yelling on her cell phone that she is in the second row of cars from the main road, first parking stall nearest the cart return.
30 seconds pass.
A man dressed in a sideways ball cap, sweat stained wife beater, and baggy jeans exposing his red checkered boxers, weaves in and out of cars heading in the direction of the woman in the Trans Am. As he approaches he is looking into each car he passes. He reaches the Trans Am and without a knock or hello enters the passenger side door.
The woman turns to him. They exchange words. The woman repositions her body so she is facing the man. The man reaches down and unbuttons his pants, and pulls his penis out. The woman proceeds to pleasure him to climax. The woman sits up and reaches behind her seat and pulls out what appears to be a little girls dress from a pile of laundry. She uses this pink fluffy thing to wipe her mouth and tosses it to the back again. The man hands the woman a small bag with white powder in it.
The man now zipped up, gets out of the Trans Am and walks back to where he came from, again weaving in and out of other parked cars looking into every window. The woman left only after dipping her head down into the seat next to her and sniffing. She brought her head up quickly and plugging each nostril one at a time inhaled fiercely. She then started her car and attempted clumsily to back out of her parking stall. The man got into his car and sat talking on his cell phone.
In my house.
The dog brings her ball inside the house. Her tail is wagging. She drops the ball in front of the 6yr old, she ignores the dog. The dog drops the ball in front of the 3 year old, he ignores the dog. the dog whines and uses her voice in some manner that is not quite a bark nor a whine, almost like a human grumbling. The dog picks up the ball again and drops it in front of the 2yr old boy. The dog speaks to the small child and the child looks at the dog and smiles, picks up the ball. He tells the dog to sit, the dog sits. The 2yr old throws the ball with all his might across the house and yells “get it.” The dog bounces happily toward the ball that only went 8 feet or so, and quickly returns to the smallest child. The child says to the dog, ” LEAVE IT…..GRRRRR”. The dog drops the ball and this little game continues for about 10 more minutes.
When the playing is done, the youngest boy and the dog lay down on the living room floor together.
Time to be quiet. Time to listen and observe others. Time to focus on everyone else but myself.
I AM BLIND
When my world seems too much for me to take, and everything whirls around in a hurricane. Things I fancy in my control slip from my grasp. I am unable to make sense of or find solutions to dilemas. In most cases I create these issues, just to have something to solve. In my desire to be important or needed, I create a monster that no one wants around, not even myself. I begin to complain about my life, and ask others how to solve the problems. I talk too much of my downfalls and inability to control all that is swimming around. My mind races and I am no longer my true self.
I CAN SEE
The world is not spinning around me, I am spinning around it. I am busily fluttering over everything I consider “my domain” and I am telling myself that this is all something I should be taking care of.
This happens once or twice a year. I know its time to refocus my attention on others. I have lost my way from peace and comfort. I do not like this state I have put myself in.
So I will be quiet, I will observe more and listen intently without judgment or the desire to repair. I am a healer to those who seek healing, when times are slow I shall not create something or someone to heal.
I feel so fortunate to be able to pull out so many positive experiences from my sex,drugs and rock & roll life style as a young person. I know a lot of people who look back on their past excursions as some kind of shameful history never to be looked upon again. I’m sorry for you, that it was so dark you had no fun at all. I can identify with the darkness but choose to pull light out of any place I can. I would be one miserable son-of-a-bitch if all i saw was the darkness. Now that I think about it, I was one miserable S.O.B in my earlier days. Just a few years ago, when I had the misguided impression I was supposed to fit in with society. Uggg what a child I was.
So I will put away the whining and bitching of all that was DONE TO ME and celebrate and take credit for all that I chose to do.
I chose to have sex with many different people. An experience I never wish to take back. I learned so much and loved so deeply. Each one of my lovers taught me something, whether it be about sex itself, about being hurt, being loved, letting go and healing, or taking back my power and saving my soul.
So to Christopher my young love I wish you a happy life. I envision you living on some compound surrounded by beautiful naked women. Being free and loving your life fully.
To the other young loves I had (I won’t name because they might actually find this someday) you were special too. My first boy in 7th grade, you fucking hurt me. Taught me what sex was NOT supposed to be. My first bj boy, you taught me NO teeth, oops sorry. My first ghetto boyfriend thanks for putting me in such peril all the damn time. I might have never known how others experienced violence. You mean it can come from places other than mommy and daddy? My first college boyfriend (I was in 9th grade). I thought you were beautiful. I didn’t see you as overweight, you could have totally gone out with someone your own age. Its ok, you were kind to me and did your best as a boyfriend.
Oh I must have special mention for another favorite. Nathan, my friend, my past lover, my teacher. You were and are magic, but you have always known that. You have more talent in your pinky than most people have in 80 yrs of life. You brought out in me what years of abuse from my family tried to squash down and totally ruin. You found the me I would have been if I had never been tainted by this world. I thank you for that. Since I do know how your doing, I can say, I’m not surprised and and quite pleased for you.
For the one timers and I don’t remember your namers. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I hope I made some impression on you. If it were good or bad I don’t mind, just something. I’m sorry I don’t remember your names, ya know how it is when your young DUMB and full of cum. Well obviously you do. Thank you for showing me I was indeed worth so much more. The cold unloved feeling I was left with quickly made me realize I wanted more for myself. I wish only the best for all of you and hope you too came to the conclusion I did.
For the father of my first son. You really were one of the loves of my life. In my heart I have never wished ill will on you. Out of respect I say no more.
For the women who I had the good fortune to screw, make love to, fuck, and generally just devour. Thank you sweets. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your lives with me. My passions grew and I learned so much about who I am through loving you.
My favorite would be Katie. Oh Katie, you were a wonderful roommate,lover,counselor,friend, and teacher. You had your quirks, but the beauty and openness to understand me and share your knowledge has shaped who I am today.
My boy toys. You were cute, you were fun, you had no money and barely knew how to have a conversation but you made me feel young and that was needed at the time. I wish you all the best and hope you grew up well.
That one guy who tried to beat me. Thanks dude. I always wondered what I would do if some guy tried to fuck with me the way they always fucked with my mom. Now I know, I just don’t take that kind of crap. I don’t even mind that I had to go to jail for 4 days. Kicking your ass was worth it.
Random bar guy. I’m so glad I told your wife. That shit was just jacked up and it taught me that I am a good person and have no desire to harm anyone, no matter how much I may not like them.
My husband, seriously you are THE MAN. I was so excited when I finally got to meet you. I knew you were coming, I knew we would meet, and I knew we would be wonderful together but I had no way of fully understanding the greatness of US until it all came true. We are magic together. I love you more every time we touch. This is the stuff that makes life worth living. To finish out my days with you is all I desire or require. I look forward to more and more of you, my love.
