0

Derby Greatness

I have been one busy mother fucker. Ok so that might not be such a nice thing to say to most, but Im just to busy to give a rats ass. I play derby now. Let me tell you that when you play derby you either do it half assed and never get anywhere (except you get to party like a derby girl) or you work hard and you dedicate yourself to the sport (and you party like a derby girl) and NO one seems to appreciate or understand your dedication. Well no one that is not a derby related person. My derby sisters understand, my refs understand, hell even the super fans understand im sure in their super fan kind of way. People in your life that don’t love derby the way you do, wont understand. They think you are just selfish and obsessing on your hobby.

Im not the kind of person who obsesses on silly things. I don’t or have I ever idolized any human being. I don’t buy the newest coolest technological toy as soon as it comes out. I don’t follow anything trendy.   I pay close attention to the things in life that make an over all difference. I focus on the richness of living.   I spent years focusing on being pregnant, birthing, and breastfeeding. I spent years on natural remedies and cures.  I have come to trust my judgement and opinion on the experiences I have. I no longer doubt myself, there is no need to.  I am right. Loving is greatness. Playing is greatness. Doing good is greatness. Damn it Derby is greatness.

To play it with your body mind and soul is to understand it’s greatness.   

I hav come. I have observed and I have found derby to be worthy of greatness.

2

Spanked

No I’m not talking about those shameful things I used to do for money back in the day……

I’m talking about life. My life and all the exceptional kick assedness that it brings.  I have not had time for the relaxing things that I enjoy. Like helping people with their problems and listening and encouraging or sewing, dancing, singing, hiking, riding my bike or even a lazy afternoon in front of the television.

I have found myself lately being overwhelmed by all the possibilities in my life. I suppose that happens when you stop living like a victim, an abused child, and grow the fuck up and realize you have choices and wisdom and passion and endless possibilities. With all the possibilities swirling around, like going back to school, creating my tinctures, helping friends get well, parties for days in OCTOBER,  creating my own business, honing my writing skills, and a million other things my mind chooses to create throughout the day.  I realized I needed to focus back on the basics.  My basics consist of the house, the kids, the animals and the man, oh and my mental well being always comes first.  Sounds selfish I know, but when you have been as “crazy” as I have been for as long as I have been you understand that my sanity is key to everyone else’s safety and positive life experiences.  I have a civic responsibility to not go bat shit nuts ever again, so I must work out at least 3 days a week and get plenty of sleep. After that, my house is not exactly the picture of clean and I certainly wouldn’t want to invite someone into it like this.

So of course me being me.  I did just that. I invited someone over.  This is the only way I will get myself to do what needs to be done around her.  I will clean the underside of my toilet if I think a new friend is coming over. Of course my son will piss all over it the second before she knocks on the door but still, I did the work damn it.

Today I challenged myself to a race.  Racing myself in the day to see who wins the lazy ass bitch who says fuck it and jumps on the Internet or the hard core me who burns 500 calories at the gym before 10 a.m. and gets her kids played with, read to, and tuckered out in time to do the damned dishes and have dinner ready  for my spectacular husband to come home and enjoy it with me.

Ya know what, hard core me totally finished first today.

I can be super woman and get it all done in a day. I do realize that all the stars were aligned and my moon must have been its positive orbital trajectory and some other such bullshit in order for me to actually accomplish all that I wanted to accomplish.  I half want to thank the damn universe for working so well with me today.   I even walked the dog and found a belly dancing class just up the street. I can sign up and enrich my womanly goodness even further. I’m just hot shit today.

Even though I do feel like a very accomplished woman right now, I also feel quite spanked, spent, put firmly in my place.  I can’t quite tell if this is a good feeling or not.    I play a tough girl on “TV” but really I just want to know where I belong and be there. I want that all powerful Being to show me my path and put me on it intently with a little swat to my ass and say, “go to it girl, do what you do and do it damn well.”  Of course I would never take such instruction from any human being on this planet unless we were wearing costumes and leather was involved. Considering I put myself through this day, I suppose I spanked my own ass. I am in control. I am the dominant.  I suppose that’s just how God made me.  I like God. He does some good stuff.

Hot damn there I go finishing out my day with an epiphany. Can’t get much better than that……………unless you throw in a beer and a good movie. Tired eyes permitting of course.

6

Pick Your Own

If you can pick your own name.  A name that fits you. A name you would prefer to hear called out to get your attention for the rest of your life. What would it be? I am no name snob that’s for sure. I like all names, I don’t think a person should be forced to keep their birth name or made to feel guilty for wanting to change it. If you discover your true name is something totally different from your birth name I say take that name and claim it as your own. It’s unfortunate that it can cost you an ass load to legally change it here in america though.

So obviously a day came in my life when I asked myself, “Who the fuck am I really?”  Through many years of adventurous discovery I found myself.

I am HOPE.

Although not the name given me by my parental units.   I am HOPE.   No joke.   I am the ever living,never letting go, always feeling, loving you, holding on to that last glimmer of……… HOPE.

My mother named me Tonya Hope. In my humble opinion Tonya was a trailer trash stretch of her imagination for a cool “new” name but the name Hope was a gift from the universe.  Yes folks I can love myself that fucking much.   My name was gifted to me from God.  It really is a meant to be kind of thing. Not everyone can say that. I have the uncanny ability to forgive, to love unconditionally, to move forward to a better future with a light always burning in the distance.  I don’t care how depressed I have found myself in my life, I was never void of some idea of a brighter future.  That is why I have always been a cutter and not a slicer. Gotta love that imagery.

Wikipedia says,

Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.^[1] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.

Poem for Hope
A Hong Kong Proverb As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

Emily Dickinson

So what name do you give yourself?

2

It Doesn’t Add Up

Thankfully

A sad and lost boy desperate for an angel to save him

+

A young woman sheltered so completely, she appeared angelic

=

a date rape

and a remainder of ONE (small innocent female)

Not wanted from conception……. abort abort abort! the banshees screech.

Lies  told in the name of God……  Sinners! Sinners! Sinners !

A future of pain and sorrow set forth before birth

innocence scavenged at 3 years………a family tradition continues

change only brings more predators

then vultures came in masks of friendly deception

the babe was given no knowledge or weapons of defense

add the wolves devouring more than their “share”

she was left for dead

but her heart never stopped beating, her mind never stopped searching, her spirit never stopped soaring

She clawed and she scraped and she prayed and she fought and she cried and she forgave and she loved and she never let go of the soul created, even before conception.

The spirit that was breathed into her by her maker, before all the pain, before all the defiling she was pure and loved.

A love that is bigger and louder and brighter than any darkness this world can dish out.

I always hated math anyway.

5

Judgy McJudgerson

On the playground

Miss Scaredy Pants Mom:

“no don’t do that, you can’t do that, your too small. Don’t you know you just can’t do that. Your not big enough, No….NO…..NO…..NO”  Repeat this same sort of thing OVER and OVER for 10 straight minutes.

In line to return something

“Miss Know it all to her companion:

” Yeah I have to return this shirt, I won’t dare try something on HERE….ewww, I was surprised they even carried a brand like this, suppose it serves me right for shopping here though they probably got all the misshapen items to be cheaper. “

(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

“Can you believe Helen brought that man to the BBQ last night, she just met him and she was already slow dancing with him.  I would never do thaaaat…ughhh.  She is too old to be acting like a young school girl.  She has no class.  That man is going to take her for a ride for sure.That is exactly why I just don’t date anymore, they are all liars and users.”

(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

“My sister says she is going to send her kids to public school.  I tried to tell her what a huge mistake that was but she just kept saying how expensive private school is and they are barely scraping by. Oh sure they are scraping by, I saw they bought a new boat for when they go camping…..maybe they should just sell that boat and one of there cars and they could do right by those kids and send them to a proper school. I’m so glad I don’t have kids, but if i did I sure wouldn’t screw them up like she is. You know you have to make certain sacrifices if you want to be a good parent.”

(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)

“I saw this lady in the store the other day. She had this brat screaming in her cart pulling everything off the shelves. I was so pleased to see some REAL parenting when she pulled herself out of that line and took the child to the side and spanked him. You just don’t see people do that anymore and its a shame. You know that is why we have such horrible juvenile delinquents running around everywhere.

Huh just yesterday one of them came to my door, ignoring my no solicitors sign, and giving me some sob story about needing to raise money for his football team, he had a plastic tub full of candy bars. OH PLEEEEEASE, like i would buy candy bars off some dirty hoodlum who rang my bell. If he really was from a football team they should tell them to dress in nicer clothes when they go out begging…ughhhh.”

The companion then said, “Oh Abby SHUT UP!”

In Target:

3 year old girl: “I’m tired.”

her mother: ignores her, and continues talking into her blue tooth

3year old girl: “mama, I’m tired and my legs hurt.”

her mother: ignores her, still chatting on the blue tooth

3 year old girl: ” mama………..mamaaa MY LEGS REALLY HURT!”

her mother: “uh huh, thats nice honey” back to the blue tooth

3year old girl: sits on her butt in the isle, screams at her mom, “I can’t walk.”

her mother: had just got off the blue tooth and says, ” OH WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU RETARDED OR SOMETHING?” She then swoops the child up violently and tosses her in the cart, and says, “there now shut up retard.”

Oh these people are making it so hard to not place judgment. I want so bad to speak up, to help, to do anything to bring a different feeling to these situations. Normally I would. Normally I am able to bring things around to a more pleasant experience for all.  I wonder how long I am going to be in need of keeping my mouth shut and just listening and observing. It’s killing me.  I am starting to feel better. I have a healthy grasp of my role in the world again, but a few more days will still be good for me.

4

Paying Attention

Observing and listening

The thin girl with her mother searching for school clothes.

Mother says, “do they only make these pants in XX or husky?  It’s so difficult sometimes to find clothes for my daughter, it seems the world is becoming naturally geared toward the overweight and obese.  They tell me I have to find her clothes in the ’slim’ section, as if she is some kind of freakishly small person.  She is normal and healthy a minority I suppose.”

In the parking lot at the Wal Mart on a Saturday before noon. I am located 1 car away and my windows are down, I am in a truck that sits high.

They park 3 rows away from each other. She is in her turquoise Trans Am. There is tape on many of the windows, grey and peeling.  She is blasting her rap music, while yelling on her cell phone that she is in the second row of cars from the main road, first parking stall nearest the cart return.

30 seconds pass.

A man dressed in a sideways ball cap, sweat stained wife beater, and baggy jeans exposing his red checkered boxers, weaves in and out of cars heading in the direction of the woman in the Trans Am. As he approaches he is looking into each car he passes. He reaches the Trans Am and without a knock or hello enters the passenger side door.

The woman turns to him. They exchange words.  The woman repositions her body so she is facing the man. The man reaches down and unbuttons his pants, and pulls his penis out.  The woman proceeds to pleasure him to climax.  The woman sits up and reaches behind her seat and pulls out what appears to be a little girls dress from a pile of laundry.  She uses this pink fluffy thing to wipe her mouth and tosses it to the back again.  The man hands the woman a small bag with white powder in it.

The man now zipped up, gets out of the Trans Am and walks back to where he came from, again weaving in and out of other parked cars looking into every window.  The woman left only after dipping her head down into the seat next to her and sniffing.  She brought her head up quickly and plugging each nostril one at a time inhaled fiercely.  She then started her car and attempted clumsily to back out of her parking stall.  The man  got into his car and sat talking on his cell phone.

In my house.

The dog brings her ball inside the house. Her tail is wagging. She drops the ball in front of the 6yr old, she ignores the dog. The dog drops the ball in front of the 3 year old, he ignores the dog.  the dog whines  and uses her voice in some manner that is not quite a bark nor a whine, almost like a human grumbling. The dog picks up the ball again and drops it in front of the  2yr old boy.  The dog speaks to the small child and the child looks at the dog and smiles, picks up the ball. He tells the dog to sit, the dog sits.  The 2yr old throws the ball with all his might across the house and yells “get it.”  The dog bounces happily toward the ball that only went 8 feet or so, and quickly returns to the smallest child.  The child says to the dog, ” LEAVE IT…..GRRRRR”.  The dog drops the ball and this little game continues for about 10 more minutes.

When the playing is done, the youngest boy and the dog lay down on the living room floor together.

2

It’s That Time

Time to be quiet.  Time to listen and observe others.  Time to focus on everyone else but myself.

I AM BLIND

When my world seems too much for me to take, and everything whirls around  in a hurricane.  Things I fancy in my control slip from my grasp.   I am unable to make sense of or find solutions to dilemas.  In most cases I create these issues, just to have something to solve.  In my desire to be important or needed, I create a monster that no one wants around, not even myself.    I begin to complain about my life, and ask others how to solve the problems.  I talk too much of my downfalls and inability to control all that is swimming around.  My mind races and I am no longer my true self.

I CAN SEE

The world is not spinning around me, I am spinning around it. I am busily fluttering over everything I consider “my domain” and I am telling myself that this is all something I should be taking care of.

This happens once or twice a year. I know its time to refocus my attention on others. I have lost my way from peace and comfort.  I do not like this state I have put myself in.

So I will be quiet, I will observe more and listen intently without judgment or the desire to repair.  I am a healer to those who seek healing, when times are slow I shall not create something or someone to heal.

Be in peace.

Some quotes and how they helped :

Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.   
Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I bring myself peace by shutting my mouth and opening my heart to others)

He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows or all he sees.
Benjamin Franklin

(Obvious isn’t it)

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.
Mother Teresa

(I am at peace in you)

It isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.
Eleanor Roosevelt

(Being quiet is work for me. It is work I know well to bring me joy, it is worth more than gold)

2

It’s A Lesson

When you constantly feel like your life is going in circles and nothing is changing or getting better, it’s because it is going in circles.

You analyse your “shit” and see what needs improvement.

You make lists and flimsy attempts to repair old damage and create new platforms to hoist yourself up to, but you fail fail fail.

You begin to feel sorry for yourself.

You ask others why things aren’t getting better.

They don’t have the damn answers, you dolt.  You have all the answers.  You were born with them.  It’s your life, you have to put forward the real and difficult changes needed to break out of that circle and create a new future.

Or continue to sit in your circle playing footsie with yourself wondering why your life sucks.

It’s as if you are still in school and you got lazy and cocky thinking you knew all the answers so you didn’t need to study. You get in and take the test and fail miserably and next year wonder why you have to take algebra over again.

Get it? Its all like that. A lesson. Learn it. Move on to the next one.

Thank you.

3

Dont Put Baby In A Corner

I know I am the only one who can stand up and proclaim this, so I will.

“NO ONE PUTS HOPE IN THE CORNER”
not even Hope

That is how I’m feeling right now. Why I would ever associate myself with a timid girl brought out of her shell to show off her talents by an older man escapes me right now. The identification was strong for me so I went with it. To save myself from another dry patch of not writing I feel the need to do a good “vomiting” so I can hopefully be re-inspired to carry on.
Its therapeutic for me to write. I need to do it. I should not be so damn worried that I am not as sophisticated and well spoken as many of the works I have read recently. (and for fucks sake i just spent the last hour trying to link many of them but my computer kept freezing up every time…..grrrrrr)

I was trying to do all the right things. Read great books, read well written blogs, read a few reviews of writers. I even wasted some time reading bad blogs to see the direction I don’t want to go. All of this lead me to the lovely place of comparisons. Me judging myself against these others. Oh that shit just pisses me off. I have spent so many years working the fucked up judgemental bullshit out of my repertoire(courtesy of my lovely well meaning mother). It’s something I pride myself on not doing to total strangers, why do I think its going to be productive to do it to myself. I don’t. I know its wrong.

Letter to Self:

To the chick hiding in the corner,

Oh just knock that shit off Hope, really. You are you…..you have not lived the life of those people, they have not lived yours. Each persons path is unique to their life and shutting yourself off because someone else can use bigger and more eloquent words, only makes you a wimp and a loser. To give up, means it’s really not that important to you.

Stand up do what you want and write write write. It feels good doesn’t it? Yes it does! Go with that. Be a dork, be sexy, be creative, fuck it be boring if that’s all you have that day. Just keep writing.

Sincerely,

Your Balls from deep with in

Ok. I did it. I broke my short spell of silence.

Inspiration I’m looking for you and Muse you better be ready to work.

I can read those other works and be inspired by fellow writers. I can learn from them and move my own passion forward and watch it grow into something great for me and if I’m lucky others will enjoy it also.