4

Paying Attention

Observing and listening

The thin girl with her mother searching for school clothes.

Mother says, “do they only make these pants in XX or husky?  It’s so difficult sometimes to find clothes for my daughter, it seems the world is becoming naturally geared toward the overweight and obese.  They tell me I have to find her clothes in the ’slim’ section, as if she is some kind of freakishly small person.  She is normal and healthy a minority I suppose.”

In the parking lot at the Wal Mart on a Saturday before noon. I am located 1 car away and my windows are down, I am in a truck that sits high.

They park 3 rows away from each other. She is in her turquoise Trans Am. There is tape on many of the windows, grey and peeling.  She is blasting her rap music, while yelling on her cell phone that she is in the second row of cars from the main road, first parking stall nearest the cart return.

30 seconds pass.

A man dressed in a sideways ball cap, sweat stained wife beater, and baggy jeans exposing his red checkered boxers, weaves in and out of cars heading in the direction of the woman in the Trans Am. As he approaches he is looking into each car he passes. He reaches the Trans Am and without a knock or hello enters the passenger side door.

The woman turns to him. They exchange words.  The woman repositions her body so she is facing the man. The man reaches down and unbuttons his pants, and pulls his penis out.  The woman proceeds to pleasure him to climax.  The woman sits up and reaches behind her seat and pulls out what appears to be a little girls dress from a pile of laundry.  She uses this pink fluffy thing to wipe her mouth and tosses it to the back again.  The man hands the woman a small bag with white powder in it.

The man now zipped up, gets out of the Trans Am and walks back to where he came from, again weaving in and out of other parked cars looking into every window.  The woman left only after dipping her head down into the seat next to her and sniffing.  She brought her head up quickly and plugging each nostril one at a time inhaled fiercely.  She then started her car and attempted clumsily to back out of her parking stall.  The man  got into his car and sat talking on his cell phone.

In my house.

The dog brings her ball inside the house. Her tail is wagging. She drops the ball in front of the 6yr old, she ignores the dog. The dog drops the ball in front of the 3 year old, he ignores the dog.  the dog whines  and uses her voice in some manner that is not quite a bark nor a whine, almost like a human grumbling. The dog picks up the ball again and drops it in front of the  2yr old boy.  The dog speaks to the small child and the child looks at the dog and smiles, picks up the ball. He tells the dog to sit, the dog sits.  The 2yr old throws the ball with all his might across the house and yells “get it.”  The dog bounces happily toward the ball that only went 8 feet or so, and quickly returns to the smallest child.  The child says to the dog, ” LEAVE IT…..GRRRRR”.  The dog drops the ball and this little game continues for about 10 more minutes.

When the playing is done, the youngest boy and the dog lay down on the living room floor together.

4

MAGNIFIQUE LIBERTE

I feel so fortunate to be able to pull out so many positive experiences from my sex,drugs and rock & roll life style as a young person. I know a lot of people who look back on their past excursions as some kind of shameful history never to be looked upon again. I’m sorry for you, that it was so dark you had no fun at all. I can identify with the darkness but choose to pull light out of any place I can. I would be one miserable son-of-a-bitch if all i saw was the darkness. Now that I think about it, I was one miserable S.O.B in my earlier days. Just a few years ago, when I had the misguided impression I was supposed to fit in with society. Uggg what a child I was.

So I will put away the whining and bitching of all that was DONE TO ME and celebrate and take credit for all that I chose to do.

I chose to have sex with many different people. An experience I never wish to take back. I learned so much and loved so deeply. Each one of my lovers taught me something, whether it be about sex itself, about being hurt, being loved, letting go and healing, or taking back my power and saving my soul.

So to Christopher my young love I wish you a happy life. I envision you living on some compound surrounded by beautiful naked women. Being free and loving your life fully.

To the other young loves I had (I won’t name because they might actually find this someday) you were special too. My first boy in 7th grade, you fucking hurt me. Taught me what sex was NOT supposed to be. My first bj boy, you taught me NO teeth, oops sorry. My first ghetto boyfriend thanks for putting me in such peril all the damn time. I might have never known how others experienced violence. You mean it can come from places other than mommy and daddy?
My first college boyfriend (I was in 9th grade). I thought you were beautiful. I didn’t see you as overweight, you could have totally gone out with someone your own age. Its ok, you were kind to me and did your best as a boyfriend.

Oh I must have special mention for another favorite. Nathan, my friend, my past lover, my teacher. You were and are magic, but you have always known that. You have more talent in your pinky than most people have in 80 yrs of life. You brought out in me what years of abuse from my family tried to squash down and totally ruin. You found the me I would have been if I had never been tainted by this world. I thank you for that. Since I do know how your doing, I can say, I’m not surprised and and quite pleased for you.

For the one timers and I don’t remember your namers. I hope you enjoyed yourself. I hope I made some impression on you. If it were good or bad I don’t mind, just something. I’m sorry I don’t remember your names, ya know how it is when your young DUMB and full of cum. Well obviously you do. Thank you for showing me I was indeed worth so much more. The cold unloved feeling I was left with quickly made me realize I wanted more for myself. I wish only the best for all of you and hope you too came to the conclusion I did.

For the father of my first son. You really were one of the loves of my life. In my heart I have never wished ill will on you. Out of respect I say no more.

For the women who I had the good fortune to screw, make love to, fuck, and generally just devour. Thank you sweets. Thank you for sharing yourselves and your lives with me. My passions grew and I learned so much about who I am through loving you.

My favorite would be Katie. Oh Katie, you were a wonderful roommate,lover,counselor,friend, and teacher. You had your quirks, but the beauty and openness to understand me and share your knowledge has shaped who I am today.

My boy toys. You were cute, you were fun, you had no money and barely knew how to have a conversation but you made me feel young and that was needed at the time. I wish you all the best and hope you grew up well.

That one guy who tried to beat me. Thanks dude. I always wondered what I would do if some guy tried to fuck with me the way they always fucked with my mom. Now I know, I just don’t take that kind of crap. I don’t even mind that I had to go to jail for 4 days. Kicking your ass was worth it.

Random bar guy. I’m so glad I told your wife. That shit was just jacked up and it taught me that I am a good person and have no desire to harm anyone, no matter how much I may not like them.

My husband, seriously you are THE MAN. I was so excited when I finally got to meet you. I knew you were coming, I knew we would meet, and I knew we would be wonderful together but I had no way of fully understanding the greatness of US until it all came true. We are magic together. I love you more every time we touch. This is the stuff that makes life worth living. To finish out my days with you is all I desire or require. I look forward to more and more of you, my love.