Posted: September 29, 2009 at 11:06 am | Tags: words not said
Don’t you just love those after thoughts. The ones that strike you and are brilliant but arrive much to late to actually utilize in the required situation. Well this was one of those and it deserves some attention, even if its not by the person who really needs it.
You are given a position working with people. Take advantage of that and expand your understanding of human nature and your own ability to show kindness. You are so fortunate it was me you offended. I am always open to forgive. Anyone else would condemn your actions as repugnant and unforgivable. I am aware that the ignorance you displayed can only be dismantled with patience and understanding.
I clean and now I can blog. Not a bad combo for coping with issues of anger.
I have to get this one out so be warned this is a vomit of sorts if you don’t like that sort of thing go read something else.
Most days I can flow with life as it strikes and choose how I will take the ride. Unfortunately on this particular evening someone took away my desired path. My path was to refresh and find kindness and forgiveness. All I found was a stone cold wall of harsh rejections. I am left with frustration and her ignorance. Not a comfortable feeling to be holding.
The thing that bothers me most is that she rejected not only me but my children.
Let me tell ya a little story ’bout a human being lacking in common sense and human kindness.
Setting the scene.
A packed and wild late night local high school football game. I am alone amongst several thousand people, alone with my 3 young children that is. I have no way to make it through the crowds with my stroller, cooler, back pack of toys and hiking pack filled with my youngest on my back. Fortunately I don’t have to maneuver through the hustle and bustle and am proudly escorted by my husband through the pass gate and lead to a very comfy and secluded seating section with only half a dozen other people in it. Enough room for my children to run back and forth in the seats, not disturbing anyone, and they get to catch glimpses of there daddy as he passes by. We get to feel the excitement of the two teams and their fans without being threatened with their screaming voices and possibly trampled on. The night was hot and the kids drank several juice boxes and waters to keep cool.
Incident.
My 3year old says, “mommy I have to pee. NOOOOWWW!” He is still new to the game of not pissing his pants, so this warning is always taken seriously. Now keep in mind I could never make it to a bathroom with all my kids and stuff, and allowing him to pee in the stands is just in poor taste. On the other hand I have no issue with him peeing on a bush outside. So I politely ask another fan to watch my stroller and stuff and grab up my 3 kids and walk them to the pass gate just a few yards away. As I approach the woman sitting there has a nasty look on her face, as if she is disgusted by me. I often forget I have many tattoos, holes in my face and unnaturally bright red hair until I get a look like that. My first reaction is always to show kindness, in hopes it will melt their initial ignorant preconceived ideas of me and soften the situation. I said hello and explained my 3year old was about to pee his pants and I just needed to slip through to a tall bush on the other side to let him relieve himself or he would pee his pants.
She tells me in the most rude and unfeeling voice possible, ” if you leave your not coming back in.”
I explain to her my stuff is still inside and some stranger is watching it for me, I will be very quick and that it’s really not a problem. I grabbed the kids hands hands and began to walk out and she stood up in my face almost giving me a chest bump and saying, “I mean it you will not come back in here.”
Frustrated and concerned for my child’s needs, I just huff away and mumble something about find a quiet hallway for him then. I walked him down the locker room halls hoping to find an open door and did not. He began to piss his pants and I tried to help him remove his pants so he would get less on himself. In the end he had to take off his shorts and spend the rest of the time at the game in his T-shirt and underwear. I was pissed. I even held up my sons wet shorts and said to the woman, “hey maybe you could wash these for him so he doesn’t have to miss out on going out to pizza with his daddy after the game.”
I sat and I calmed down for the next hour or so. I decided that If I am going to be the supportive wife and attend my husbands work functions that the people working for him should know who I am. It might just clear things up and avoid this problem in the future.
I walk my children over the pass gate again. I make sure to put on a soft smile and have nothing but good intentions in my heart. A woman from the other team approaches, she is a coach and loaded down with piles of bags and equipment. I step back to let her go first. She too is stopped by this woman and told harshly she will not be allowed back in.
The woman sort of laughs a bit and says, “I’m one of the coaches, it’s ok. I have to take this stuff to my car and return for the rest of it.”
The gate keeper says, ” no, why don’t you just leave that stuff here, and go get the rest now.”
The coach says, ” Um NO! I’m going to take this to my car, and I am going to return for the rest. I have a pass somewhere Im sure. Don’t you worry you wont get in any trouble letting a coach back in.”
The coach walks away.
I approach, admittedly sort of laughing that this gate keeper feels she has such “power” to wield she can speak so rudely to anyone and everyone. It made me feel a little better, that she was simple a person lacking common sense and not discriminating against me because of my appearance.
I started off by saying, “Hi, I’m sorry but I think we started off on the wrong foot.”
The gate keeper smirks and says, “oh yeah.”
“I really think we should introduce ourselves properly to avoid this problem in the future. I am Mr. N’s wife and these are his children.”
She interrupts me before I can even get our names out, ” Oh and what is that supposed to mean to me?”
I say, “well I’m not sure, just that we are his family and we are here to see him because he works so hard for the school we rarely get to see him.”
She hisses back with, “Oh well I’m so glad you come to see their daddy.”
I am getting confused now. I don’t understand why she is being so rude. It seems like a simple matter of knowing all your facts and repairing the previous damage. But she seems bent on being defensive. I realize this quickly and keep myself calm saying only, “yes its very important to them considering how much they don’t get to see him. Now my point was……………”
Interrupted again with, “oh but um I thought you came up here because we started off on the wrong foot, how is this making it better?”
She has totally put me in some alternate universe at this point, I am clueless as to why she is speaking to me this way and now raising her voice and standing up in my face. I raise my voice a bit to try and speak over her as she continues to interrupt my every word.
“I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT HELP US TO KNOW EACH OTHER SINCE WE WILL BE ATTENDING MOST EVERY GAME.”
For some reason she took this as a threat also and got closer to me and said some bullshit about “oh yeah? really? what is that supposed to mean?”
Then some man from behind me touches my shoulder and says, “hey you don’t yell at her. she is a volunteer.”
My response to him was, “I don’t believe I was speaking to you, and that’s great she is volunteering for her child’s school.”
I look at this woman who is still in my space, “So are you a booster parent?”
and she come back with yet another, “why whats that supposed to imply.”
Gahhhh woman, Im thinking holy shit you are so paranoid. I’m not playing who is better than who here. I am just trying to intro-fucking duce myself. At this point I am beyond frustrated.
I ask them all, “hey so tell me something, if Mr. N came through here and needed to go out and come back in would you stop him too?”
I get a blank look, because they would not and could not do this to him.
“Well then you don’t need to stop me either. He is too busy working out there to escort me in and out of this gate and should NOT have to. The purpose of the no return rule is for the young people trying manipulate and play around, it is not intended for coaches,staff and close family of those people.”
of course no one was listening to reason. they all felt some sort of misguided duty to restrict me from letting my child pee in an appropriate place or letting me make peace with them. At this point, another coach walked up and told them all who I was, as if I needed someone to validate my identity. I know he was being helpful but he shouldn’t have to defend me like that. Even if I was not the “Top Dog’s” wife, if I was a regular attendee there to see the game, with 3 small children and one about to pee himself anyone with an ounce of compassion would have let me pass through without incident and return. We are not talking about national security here, it was a kids foot ball game.
I am exhausted and tired of thinking of this. I dislike leaving things unattended. I still feel a need to repair this issue and make all communications clear and peaceful. I am now hearing from my husband that they may want me to appologise to them. Really? Cause I thought that is what I was trying to do and they would not let me.
These people need me (in a professional capacity) more than I ever thought.
I think I have purged enough. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this personal vomit and love me anyway.
If you can pick your own name. A name that fits you. A name you would prefer to hear called out to get your attention for the rest of your life. What would it be? I am no name snob that’s for sure. I like all names, I don’t think a person should be forced to keep their birth name or made to feel guilty for wanting to change it. If you discover your true name is something totally different from your birth name I say take that name and claim it as your own. It’s unfortunate that it can cost you an ass load to legally change it here in america though.
So obviously a day came in my life when I asked myself, “Who the fuck am I really?” Through many years of adventurous discovery I found myself.
I am HOPE.
Although not the name given me by my parental units. I am HOPE. No joke. I am the ever living,never letting go, always feeling, loving you, holding on to that last glimmer of……… HOPE.
My mother named me Tonya Hope. In my humble opinion Tonya was a trailer trash stretch of her imagination for a cool “new” name but the name Hope was a gift from the universe. Yes folks I can love myself that fucking much. My name was gifted to me from God. It really is a meant to be kind of thing. Not everyone can say that. I have the uncanny ability to forgive, to love unconditionally, to move forward to a better future with a light always burning in the distance. I don’t care how depressed I have found myself in my life, I was never void of some idea of a brighter future. That is why I have always been a cutter and not a slicer. Gotta love that imagery.
Wikipedia says,
Hope is a belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.[1] Hopefulness is somewhat different from optimism in that hope is an emotional state, whereas optimism is a conclusion reached through a deliberate thought pattern that leads to a positive attitude.
Poem for Hope
A Hong Kong Proverb As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—
And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—
I’ve heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.
Some douche bag on craigslist has wasted my time for the second time. Hmmm wait, that might just make me the douche for falling for a second attempt for a pick up of my crappola. Anyway whoever is the douche bag my day has been flipped and now I’m cleaning my damn house. You could vacuum up an entire medium sized dog, so Im guess that is a sign it was time. Sometimes going with the flow works out for you.
In my normal day I would be hitting the gym right now working up a sweat to something fun like Snoop Dog, Black Sabbath,Metallica,Ice Cube, White Stripes, Family Force Five or even Kimya Dawson for stretching out. Oh not today, no I’m listening to the damn radio.
Our area got a new radio station. Its all 90’s. All the funk and junk played during my high school years. It’s not all terrible, and the worst part is I have to admit I found myself scrubbing my floor this morning to Naughty by Natures, “Down With Opp”. Yup. I still know the words and sing the song as if I wrote the damn thing. What the hell. I didn’t even listen to this shit in high school. I was a rocker chick, listening to Metallica, Iron Maiden, Pink Floyd and Jimmy Hendrix.
I guess I am down with OPP.
Have a great fucking day no matter who throws a wrench into it.
The tips of my fingers are sensitive to the heat of the keys. Even the slightest brush on these letters sends pain up through my hands. I have to break every few words to prepare for the next few lines.
I wrote an entire post then deleted it. I always do that. Its cathartic to just get that shit out of the way.
My eyes are heavy, they burn a little at the wind being thrown down from the ceiling fan. I don’t turn it off, then the air would be too stale and I would feel trapped.
My mind of late has been scattered and going much to fast. I am constantly in the state of doing, even when I’m sleeping. Now I’m sharing that scattered mind with you.
I miss you my friends, but for those who care you will call or write. For those who don’t well, I totally get where your coming from, its cool.
My oldest is doing so well now that he has been taking herbs and vitamins regularly. Mama does know best.
My daughter has improved her attitude, or maybe its mine that has improved. Either way, she and I and the dog are all enjoying being the only females in this house. We go to the dog park a few times a week blasting the song, “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cindi Lauper. I will learn that being female is fun and my daughter will never know anything else.
My 3rd child pulled out my 4th childs arm the other day. As much as I wanna say that just sucked ass, it didn’t. It brought to light for my 3rd that he needs to be more careful and that he really loves his brother. The 4th has learned his brother is just to coolest dude in the house. I don’t know why, but just 10 minutes after he pulled his arm out of its socket all the little bugger wanted was to snuggle next to the culprit that did it to him.
So shit, I’m tired, I’m alive, I’m doing so much right now in my life and its all exciting my mind and soul. It’s good stuff.
the fingers are worse…………….FIRE………….carpel is setting in.
The following is a letter I wrote when I had to let go of a very important and enjoyable part of my life. I was just feeling like I missed it all so I pulled up the letter.
Here:
Dear Boobs,
Thanks so much for all the wonderful years of service. You were always
on time, courteous, well dressed, well stocked, and gave your all 100%
of the time. You took the hard times with class and grace and never
gave up even when I couldnt afford to pay you. You are a very dedicated
member of my body.
Im just sorry to say that i have to let you go now. I no longer will be
needing your services but will keep your resume in my files so i can
call on you in the future if a position opens.
I have enjoyed having your specialty services on my body. If you have
any other talents to share, please submit a new resume to me detailing
this new information.
I have a problem. I recently tried to break up with my girlfriend. I wanted it to be peaceful and calm. I mean I do care about her. I wanted to be friends. I just couldn’t stay with her cause I’m only 16 and she is 13 and things were getting to serious. I wanted to meet other girls and sort of figure out what kind of person I really mix well with.
Um so here is the shitter. She flips out on me on random days for random reasons. I told her we could still be friends and we talk just as much as we used to. Like every night. She gets jealous when I don’t respond to her texts.
Well this crap keeps happening and she keeps trying to make me feel bad and now she is telling me she is pregnant. She said some horrible stuff to me, like she would abort the baby cause she hates the thought of someone living inside of her that has any part of me in it. Or she calls me and says she will keep it and never let me see it. She is freaking out and crying and saying awful things to me. I don’t know anything about how the girls body works, but she said she was on birth control before all this, now she says it must have not worked. I don’t know if that is true, can that happen?
I’m already upset that I didn’t use a condom and believed she was on birth control. I’m already upset that i may have created a human being at the age of 16yrs old, but I’m hurt even more that someone who says they love you can say such horrible things you. It seems like she never loved me at all if she can do this to me.
I don’t know what my parents will say or do. I’m sort of afraid to mention it to them. I haven’t mentioned this to any other people at all really. I am still in shock I think.
What do I do? Should I talk to her more? Should I ignore her? It all hurts so much and this is just too big for me to deal with alone.
any help is appreciated,
Young, Dumb and full of ……….
Dear Young,Dumb and full of……….,
Short version: Keep your dick covered from now on. Worry about school not screwing.
Now for the real deal on helping you cope. It’s very possible she is fabricating. It is so common for young girls and even some seriously stunted women to pull this shit when they feel they are losing a man. So don’t believe her fully until you see proof she is pregnant. Insist on going to a doctor appt with her, tell her you want to see this life you created. If she chooses to abort then offer to pay for half of it. Ask for the clinic name and call them and just ask how much it costs for an abortion so you get the right amount. Your looking at like 300 dollars just from you. If she refuses to take your money then she is most likely lying and will try to use the “fact” that she had an abortion to make you feel like shit later. But seriously if this is something that you believe would have happened recently then you should just wait a month or two. There really is nothing you can do if she is knocked up or if she is lying. Either way you need sleep,you need to go to school, and you need to live your life. Do those things. Take care of yourself and for Gods sake keep a fucking condom on if you screw around with any other girls. If you do that, then you always have the security of knowing no female can mess with you on this subject again.
Now for the emotional part of this game she is playing. People have a bad habit of trying to tear others down when they are feeling insecure or lonely or just shitty in general. It’s not that she didn’t ever love you, its just that she doesn’t love herself very much and doesn’t understand how to deal with her emotions. This is common and I’m sure if you search back in your mind you will remember many a time you have spoken harshly to someone you said you loved. Your love didn’t stop just because you told your sister she was stupid brat or when you told your mom you hated her, you were just expressing yourself the only way you knew how. The goal is to grow over time and no longer use attacks to try to heal your own frustration or pain. So try to understand that this very young girl has obviously taken on more than she can deal with. If she could deal with it properly she would not be in so much pain. This also leaves open the idea that you have taken on more than you can deal with, you may want to consider that you are just too young to be delving into sexual relationships right now. Now even if you take the sex out just a serious relationship could get dicey for you.
If you want the pain to stop, let it come without fighting it, be kind to the person hurting you without letting go of your self respect. When she tries to be dramatic and hurtful, just say you wont speak to her when she is acting that way and hang up. If it feels right, once you find out she is not pregnant cut off all ties with her. She has some serious issues to deal with and your too young to be her therapist.
Enjoy your youth using your brain not your dick. Feel free to email me again if you need more help.
You say the world sucks and is full of nothing but rapists and murderers. I know this is not going to go over well, but my dear that is what you see because that is all you choose to see. It’s confusing when you constantly complain about it, yet you refuse to see the beauty just around the corner. To constantly watch someone I love drag their own soul down into the fucking muck is tiresome. I wish I could spare you the turmoil and pain, but for whatever reason you need to experience life this way for now. I hope you get over it soon. I look forward to the day your repulsive view of the world turns to something more palatable. Until it does, I will keep on loving you and telling you when your being a Douchy McDoucher.
A sad and lost boy desperate for an angel to save him
+
A young woman sheltered so completely, she appeared angelic
=
a date rape
and a remainder of ONE (small innocent female)
Not wanted from conception……. abort abort abort! the banshees screech.
Lies told in the name of God…… Sinners! Sinners! Sinners !
A future of pain and sorrow set forth before birth
innocence scavenged at 3 years………a family tradition continues
change only brings more predators
then vultures came in masks of friendly deception
the babe was given no knowledge or weapons of defense
add the wolves devouring more than their “share”
she was left for dead
but her heart never stopped beating, her mind never stopped searching, her spirit never stopped soaring
She clawed and she scraped and she prayed and she fought and she cried and she forgave and she loved and she never let go of the soul created, even before conception.
The spirit that was breathed into her by her maker, before all the pain, before all the defiling she was pure and loved.
A love that is bigger and louder and brighter than any darkness this world can dish out.
