Dear Lonely Old Fart
Posted: August 11, 2009 at 12:22 am | Tags: Advice Column, getting old, lifes changing, where'd the time goDear Hopenminded,
I am not big on writing but a friend told me to give you a try because you helped him.
I am a 52 year old man. I have 3 kids they are 17,15 and 13years. My wife has a business she runs and it keeps her pretty busy. I am in good shape for my age and have always been very active and upbeat.
Until recently
The kids don’t want to hang out with old dad anymore. We used to have lots of fun going to ball games and fishing and paint ball, but ever since my wife started her business and its become successful things have changed.
Before we both worked and the kids had the basics and any extra was put away for school or family trips. But everyone was always happy and we were always together. Now that my wife is doing so well, I don’t really even need to go to work and she buys the kids everything they have ever wanted. I feel like I have been replaced by I-phones and video games. I dont see my boys anymore except when they come home to change clothes.
I find myself bored, staring at porn or going to work and being in a haze all day. My job is nothing special, I don’t dislike it and I don’t love it. I don’t want to be intimate with my wife, even if she did have the time for me. Food doesn’t really taste good anymore to me.
I don’t know what really happened here. Over the last year I have gone from being a happy, active father who is very involved in his kids lives and I enjoyed a healthy sex life with my wife to a bored, sad, and flabby little man.
What can I do to get out of this slump?
Needing a change,
Lonely Old Fart
Dear Lonely Old Fart,
Hello and thank you for writing to me. I would like to start off by saying that all I say to you comes from a place of love and respect. As your friend may have told you I am a straight shooter so there will be no fluff here. You don’t have time for fluff. It sounds to me like your sinking into a self imposed depression. Your life changed and you were set in your ways. You were safe and somewhat boring. Now things have gotten bigger and everyone is busy, too busy for you.
Don’t be disheartened. You can turn this around. I would like to see you take on the same style of changes as the rest of your family. I know at first it might feel uncomfortable but I think my suggestions will grow on you and which ever feels most natural will be successful.
Remember these are only suggestions. I want you to sit with them for a while and really feel out which ones feel good to you.
1: get yourself a cell phone if you don’t have one and learn how to text your kids. If this is their current mode of communication, it might just grab their attention.
2: stay clear of the porn for now. if your down, porn is like pot or booze, its downer and it will only bring you down farther. Porn should be saved for the fully strong and healthy just as pot and booze.
3: talking to your wife again about how you feel. If she can’t make time for you in her busy schedule then sneak into her organizer or schedule and put yourself in there for a 3 or 4 hour slot. Give yourself some fake business name and have the location of the meeting be at some restaurant that you know would be helpful to starting those marital flames again.
4: quit your job (if it truly has no positive benefit in your life)
5: explore educational opportunities in your area. Its never too late for you to learn a new trade or just take some classes in something you have always been interested in but couldn’t pursue because your family needed you to work.
6: your kids are still your kids. If you must put your foot down then do it. Tell them each that you have chosen a specific day and you will be doing something on that day with them no excuses out of them on how they can’t.
7. if putting your foot down just isn’t your thing, then continue on a path of finding what you enjoy doing. Make sure you share the adventures at home. Either by leaving out pictures of you bungee jumping or a painting you finished or a video of you racing a motorcycle around a track…..something anything just make sure they know your living your life and want them to check it out. Eventually the newness of the cell phones and other toys and friends will wear off and the solid relationship you have built over the years will resurface.
8. after the romantic meeting with your wife schedule another with her (if you still need to) to discuss how much you miss her and maybe you can help ease some of her busy work so she too has more time to be physically involved in the family instead of just throwing toys and money at everyone. I wonder if she is doing well enough now to hire someone to help her.
9: If the above changes all feel too big for you, then start with small things. For people who have trouble with change its best to start on the smallest level and move up. So start with changing your toothpaste or coffee or start getting your car washed at a different place, heck live on the wild side and check out that new Moroccan restaurant that just opened up.
You get what I’m saying here. Don’t stay stagnant. Move and change with your family. They have moved without you not because they left you behind but because you have kept yourself back. It is up to you to make the changes needed to remind them and yourself of the great relationship you had and will have.
Good luck with all the changes. Let me know if you need anymore help. Please let me know how this works out for you.
with love,
Hopenminded
